Swinging

Today I’ll take my last dose of Clomid and hope that it does its part. The hardest element is that I don’t feel like myself. I feel like I’m in some kind of bubble floating above reality, like I can’t fully grasp anything. I have experienced some of the physical side effects of the medication, but it is hard to tell if the mood swings are from the medication or just the process itself. There are so many components to infertility, I feel like I always have to be thinking one step ahead. I am a place that I cannot really explain to anyone, and there are moments where I wonder if it is all worth it. It is hard to deal with the things people say about having children and I know there are people that disagree with our choice to pursue fertility treatments. At times I just want to tell people to shut up and listen for a few minutes, but in reality I shut up and let them say what they want.

            Ignorance really isn’t bliss, and it reminds me of the reason I started this blog. I don’t want to hide from infertility or endometriosis, I want people to inform themselves and be open to talking about these subjects. People that struggle with these issues are not searching for pity they are looking for understanding. I know no one will fully understand where I’m at just as I’ll never fully understand someone else’s life, but just listening to my struggles does more than you know. I have been trying to live this out myself and to look at life through other people’s eyes, not jumping to conclusions. Everyone has a story and we learn by telling those stories.    

            I struggle with the fact that I have little control over this situation, and if the circumstances were different we might not even be trying to get pregnant right now. I feel like we are in a race against time or at least endo, and I don’t like our odds. So we keep on keeping on. There are days where I hate this process but I’m not going to stop. It reminds me a lot of my academic career, I never thought I be where I am today. I did what was thought to be impossible in undergrad by double major in mechanical engineering and youth ministry. There were many times that I wanted to quit but with the support of my husband and the desire to overcome the odds, I made it. I wasn’t initially planning on going back to school but here I sit with books to read and papers to write. I do not know what the future hold for my career or my family but I cannot fear the unknown. I trust that God has a plan for us but I have to do my part as well, I cannot sit back and let life happen without me.   

            This week brought about another reality of infertility, financial burden. Our insurance company sent several statements indicating that they would not cover the diagnostic tests that were performed before my diagnosis. Although, it seems to be a misunderstanding at the moment (insurance normally covers procedures up to the diagnosis) it was a reality check. Most insurance companies do not cover infertility treatments and as the process goes on the costs rise. It is difficult to justify paying for something that is supposed to happen naturally and is not “medically necessary.” Again we do not how long this struggle will last for us, but we continue to hope for the future.