Triumphs and Struggles

I haven’t written for awhile because to be honest I was trying to keep my mind off of this whole process, which I was pretty unsuccessful at. I had an ultrasound a couple of weeks ago with great news, I had one mature follicle. We were super excited but that also meant that it was time for the trigger shot. Trust me you don’t even want to know how much one of those cost. What were we to do? It’s not like I can be like “Hey body, can you hang on for a second while I get some money together?” So we bit the bullet and hoped for the best. I got the shot and it wasn’t too bad, I think the price hurt more than anything. Even though I’m taking progesterone supplements they were able to test my progesterone levels a few days later. It is a little funny and comforting when the one nurse calls with results because you can tell by her tone whether it is good news or bad. This time it was good news. The level was above 20 which means I ovulated, maybe for the first time ever. It was a big change from less than 1 last cycle. That is where the good news stopped, it looks like this still isn’t our time. It is discouraging and frustrating and yet again I contemplate our options. We will meet with our midwife on Monday to decide on the next steps in the process for us, which I’m looking forward to.

            In the mean time I have talked with my advisor and we have deicide that it is best to make this semester as easy as possible for me. So, I’ll be taking 3 classes instead of the 5 I took last semester, and one may even be pass/fail. I’ll only have to make the drive twice a week which will be nice. We decide to focus our efforts on keeping me healthy and helping this process in any way we can, but I also struggle with how long we can keep it up. I can’t go to school forever…although that is the running joke in our family.

It would be great if it worked in the next few months but what if doesn’t, many couples struggle with infertility for years.

 I feel like a broken record, but before you think there are lots of ways to build a family and that it will happen when it is suppose to please recall what I’ve say in the past.  Many options are all consuming: financially, physically (at least for me), and emotionally. I know a lot of people have opinions about fertility treatments and how they should be handled, especially in the faith community. Again, we believe God has a plan for all of this and we pray about this daily probably even hourly. We are doing what it best for our family at the moment, so any support is greatly appreciated. I say this because I feel the most alone I have since this journey has started but I try to think of it as the single footprints in the sand rather than being alone. Jeremy and I always say, “We’ll make it through, we always do.” And I know that will be the case with this journey as well.   

Keep Running

Again it has been awhile since I have updated and I apologize. Last week I spent a lot of time wrapping up my work for fall semester and started and finished my third round of Clomid. The effects of the Clomid have been a little worst than usual, but I was expecting that with the increase in dosage. I was also on some pain medication for my endometriosis and the combination made sleeping next to impossible. As frustrating as it was, it gave me more time to work on my papers.  

            Christmas and the New Year were rather uneventful for us. We celebrated Christmas early with both our families and spent New Year’s at home since I was still working on school stuff. It didn’t really feel like the holidays at all this year and there were a lot of things contributing to that. We did not get the number one thing on our Christmas list, if we had became pregnant shortly after my surgery we would have a child by now. As disheartening as that is I can feel a shift in my emotions concerning this process. It is something I think about a lot, I have to in order to keep my schedule of meds and appointments in order; I have become content that this is part of our journey. Don’t misunderstand me, I am not happy about our situation but I know there is a purpose for this far beyond what I can see. I have never blamed anyone for what is happening and that includes God, I really believe God loves me more than I can comprehend and has a plan for all of this. I am thankful that I have been so open about our journey and hope that I can continue to do so, although I am starting to feel some of the hurt that can come with being so open. I appreciate prayers, informed advice, and concern but I also wish people would understand that I have to do what is right for me and my family. I do not feel as if I have lost my faith by turning to medicine. My dad made a great analogy of a man he knew that stopped wearing his glasses. The man believed that God would restore his sight; people certainly shared his faith but also knew God had already restored his sight. God has created wonderful and talented people that are able to prescribe lenses created for each individual to see to their full potential. I believe the same is true with infertility, God has created wonderful and dedicated physicians that can help us conceive. Does that mean that I don’t think that God could cure me overnight? No, I know he could but I don’t think he needs to. I think we need to go through this journey to become the people he created us to be. Does that make it easier to accept? Not always, but I know he has never left us. There is too much evidence that God has been with us every step of the way. I know that God will continue be with us as we keep running this race.   

            This belief has been there through many of my life struggles and this one should be no different. I recently finished reading Plan B: What Do You Do When God Doesn't Show Up the Way You Thought He Would? Although it was nothing new and a little less theological than I am use to (what do you expect I’m a seminary student) it was a great reminder of my foundational beliefs. That God’s plan is always bigger and better than mine, and nothing this world promises will fulfill me.

            Also, this past week my husband shared a very inspirational video with me that I would like to pass along. What IF?