Short Update

I talked to the doctor's office today since I still haven't started my cycle on the progesterone. So here is the plan: going to stop the progesterone and my cycle should start soon, take Clomid days 3-7, ultrasound on day 12 if no dominant follicle another ultrasound on day 15, hopefully with one of those we will see a dominant follicle. Once a one is found, I get an hCG trigger shot to do just that trigger ovulation. Hope for the best and start the progesterone again. I am so incredibly grateful for the amazing staff that takes care of me and is trying just as hard as we are. Sometime this gets to be a lot to keep track of but hopefully it will prove to be more than worth it.  

Emotions and More Meds

I haven’t written for awhile both because I have been so busy and second nothing much has changed. I started writing last week so the following paragraph is from that.

I’m angry. I’m depressed. My body, mind, and heart hurt. And it is okay that I feel this way, sorry but I really don’t believe anyone can be happy all the time. Without the suffering and the heartache the best moments in life would not be as special. The stress of all of this is a lot to bear and I’m so blessed to have an amazing husband that is with me every step of the way. He allows me to deal with this how I need to even if it isn’t the most desirable way. I so sick of the “God will give you children when it is time.” I know God has a plan for me bigger than myself; I have had to grieve the lost of my own plan to God’s more than once in my life. I get that, and I don’t regret the choices I have made. But I also cannot sit back and wait on God without any effort from myself. As with anything, nothing will happen if you don’t put effort into it.  So that is why we continue to push on as long as we can.

That was certainly how I felt last week and although I feel better emotionally for the time being it is easy for those feelings to creep back in. My mind was every which way last week and my dean and some of my professors were understanding and able to give me a little more time to complete some of my school work. I felt like such a wimp for asking for more time, but that is really what I need time to deal with this and not make decisions out of haste. If there is one thing I have learned in my short 25 years is that you have to know when to ask for help, and admit that you are doing too much. It is a lesson I learned the hard way over and over and still have a hard time with. So although I may feel uneasy about my condition it may be the first time that I have made a conscious effort to take care of myself first.

After the news from my doctor I focused on resting and getting the stuff done for the three classes I had to finish in the coming week. Tuesday, I had a Hebrew test which has been tough for me this semester (got coney dogs and corn nuggets at the dining hall thoughJ). After a stressful test I got another call for the doctor suggesting that I start progesterone suppositories to help jump start my cycle and then continue them after we find a dominant follicle to help with possible implantation. This medication is also not covered by insurance and has to be compounded so it is a little pricy but still manageable right now. I started the progesterone on Friday and I have to say I am not thrill about another medication but seem to be doing alright, I’m a little more tired but nothing too bad.

Jeremy and I also got to spend this weekend at Kalahari with his family for Christmas. It was good to see them and for Jeremy to have some time to relax. And they got me a Kindle and Amazon gift cards to load it up with! It was nice to have a mini escape from reality but now it is back to the real world. 

Ridiculous

Ridiculous has been my word this week. Mostly because I feel like many things in my world are ridiculous at the moment. Last week the side effects of my medication got the best of me; beside the headache I also had an eye issue. I think it was a combination of the meds and my contacts, whatever it was it was not fun. My eye got really red throughout the day Wednesday and I really thought it was pink eye (I have had it a lot) but it was really interfering with my vision. By the time I had to go home, I could barely see out of my right eye. So I drove home with a post-it note over it, probably not the best decision I ever made. Even after I got home and took my contacts out it was getting worse, I had what look like a blister on my eye lid and it hurt to look at anything. This incident caused me to miss Thursday classes as well, getting me behind with only two weeks of school left. Sigh. Therefore I feel like this last official week of classes has been ridiculous. I have three papers to write totaling 32 pages, a Hebrew final (which my prof has made clear I really need to work on), and a presentation. Ridiculous. I’ll get it done I always do but it is hard to deal with on this emotional roller coaster.

            This week I had a progesterone test on Tuesday, which I did not expect much since the ultrasound was not what they like to see. I took an ovulation test when I got home and got the closest thing to positive I have seen as of yet (fyi ovulation tests are much harder to read than pregnancy tests). I was feeling really good about this cycle that perhaps we would get the best Christmas present ever. Even people that I am not particular close to have given me words of encouragement for this cycle, yet another reason I am so glad that I do not keep silent about this struggle. I was pretty optimistic until today. I received a call from my doctor’s office, I was unable to answer the first time she called but I could tell by the tone of her voice on the message that it was not good news. I was kind of glad I heard the voicemail and then had a few minutes before I was able to call her back, it help me prepare myself for the worse. When I finally did get to speak with the nurse she told me what I feared, the ultrasound was worse than I thought. Not only was my follicle size small, there was only one viable follicle on the left ovary. The results of my progesterone test we also not on par, so we jump ahead to thinking about the next cycle. She said that the medication will be doubled for next time around and since the highest dosage available in one pill is what I took this cycle, that means two pills a day.  The actual taking of the medication does not bother me; I have swallowed more than my fair share of pills. It is the idea that the cost of this venture never stops.  If I am taking two pills a day that means I have to pay twice as much for my medication. Ridiculous. And then there are the effects. If I am this emotional on this dosage what is going to happen when it is doubled? Thankfully I will be on a very long break from school this time as I do not go back until February. I’m still a little hopeful that this cycle could have a positive result, it only takes one egg and I believe in a God that still performs miracles. In the mean time I will work like crazy on school work, take a break tomorrow to spend the day shopping for myself with my mom, and maybe get my husband to take me to see the new Narnia movie (he said I had to be caught up with my school work). So, maybe not everything is ridiculous.