Results

So the ultrasound results were less than desirable. They would like to see the follicles at 20 mm and my largest ones are at 13 mm. It is not horrible news as they could still grow before I ovulate but it was disappointing. I’ll do a blood test on day 21 to check my progesterone level along with at home ovulation tests. If this cycle does not result in a pregnancy we will probably reevaluate my tests and up the hormones. I think the effect of the test results were exacerbated by my physical exhaustion lately. My body has been sore and I woke up with a horrible headache today, making it difficult to do anything. I’m trying to be optimistic and think that it is my body making eggs, but it is hard to be when I am missing school and life in general. I need to push through these last few weeks of school (which are always the hardest) and try not to worry about the things I cannot control. Easier said than done.  

Nerves

I’m a little nervous. Tomorrow I’ll have an ultrasound to check follicle size, basically to see if the medication is doing what it is suppose to. I’m nervous because there is absolutely nothing I can do, and I want a good result more than anything. I have been fatigued, dizzy, and sore. My body is starting to feel like it did just before my surgery, when I was so hopeful for life changing results. I sure did not think that in less than a year all the symptoms would have returned. This just adds to the nervousness. So tonight I am praying for the strength to go one more step so I can face the next 99.  

Is It Worth It?

I have started my second round of Clomid, and I’ll be honest the past few days I have really wondered if all of this is worth it. The pain from cramps is almost more than I can bear, although I have endured worse in the past I know don’t how much longer I can do this. Endo has a way of gripping my insides and making me feel less than myself. For days I have wanted to curl up in a ball and disappear, I wear sweats and drink water while wishing I had strength to enjoy life to the fullest. I have been blessed enough that my cycles have fallen at times when I have had breaks from school. I don’t know how I would deal with driving to and from school and all of this.

            So to answer the question, “Is it worth it?” at the moment it is but for how long it will be I do not know. This is a one day at a time, one cycle at a time kind of thing. That is difficult for me because I like to have an idea of where I’m heading, but the reality is most of the time I don’t know. This process is more tolling on my physical and emotional well being than anything else I have yet to experience. And as I have mentioned it is also tough on our finances.

            The insurance company has denied many of our past claims, even though they were diagnostic and not treatment procedures. I talk with both the insurance company and people in billing offices and it seems there is not a lot we can do because all my records indicate that we are trying to get pregnant, no matter how many times they write endometriosis on the paper. It is not deemed medically necessary. So I fill out paper after paper to get any help I can. My midwife would like to do an ultrasound on cycle day 12 to check follicle size, and I would love to do one as well just to see if this stuff is working but insurance might not cover it. I’m not even sure if they will cover my progesterone test on day 21, a simple blood test but when it becomes an out of pocket expense it isn’t so simple anymore. I know having a child cost a lot but who ever thinks that getting pregnant will cost so much? That it would cost more than just money, it would require physical, emotional, and time compensation with no guarantee.

            Here are a few other things I’ll share with you. I recently read an article discussing how the presence of endometriosis symptoms during the teens maybe a precursor for the “most extensive form of endometriosis.” It was a short interesting read, although I think they should consider a different abbreviation for deep infiltrating endometriosis.  And my song this week has been “What Faith Can Do” by Kutless. It is one of those songs that every person can relate to. It reminds me that we aren’t going to give up on the biological baby road just yet; we have faith that we can receive a miracle. We can do the impossible (we have before) and overcome the odds.   

Disappointments and Hopes

So it has been a while since I wrote for a couple reasons. First, I took a trip to the warm state of Florida with my brother in hopes of seeing the space shuttle launch. I was disappointed, we were so close and then “no-go.” My brother did get to experience Disney World and the ocean for the first time though, so the trip wasn’t a total bust. Second, we are into the second half of the semester. Therefore school is taking up a lot of my time lately, especially with last week being less than productive. Now I’m debating whether I go back November 30^th to see it the shuttle launch. I really can’t afford to miss anymore school but this is a once in a lifetime opportunity, there are only two launches left. It is a tough decision.

            Anyway on to the infertility battle or the baby train as I like to call it. I finished my Clomid and did rather well physically (or better than I thought) however emotionally I think I took it harder than I thought. I did ovulation test for over a week with no luck and then I was gone for a week so didn’t see the point and wasting money to pee on a stick. I’ve done a few since being back and nothing, so I’m not sure if the meds work or not. Given that it looks like I will be starting a second round soon, if my body cooperates. This will probably be a higher dosage so greater risk of side effects, just in time for the last few weeks of school.

            Besides all that fun stuff the insurance battle is raging on, I am still being denied benefits for diagnostic procedures. We will be going through the available channels to see if we can get the claims reversed, it may take awhile. So if you know anyone that is really good with insurance benefits or an insurance claims attorney let me know.

            The good thing about not having much time is that I don’t think about this whole process as much, although still more than enough. Let me tell you, Disney World is not the place for an infertile woman. There are pregnant women and babies abound. When I saw either I would try to think about the fact that I don’t know what the parents had to do to get to the place they are. They may have had to try for months or years, or done several different fertility treatments to reach the point of having a baby. I know that about 12% of couples have trouble getting or staying pregnant so many of the women I saw probably did not have issues but it made me feel better about the fact that they were able to have such a special gift. To know that just one of the women I saw had struggled to have something that comes so easily to others and was now living that dream is a comfort. It gives me joy for her and her family that they have finally reached that goal in life and it gives me hope for myself that I may one day have it too.

            Life narratives are another thing that I have been thinking over as well. I’m currently taking a class called “Trauma and Narrative Pastoral Counseling” and obviously narratives are a large part of that. In his book Hope in Pastoral Care and Counseling, Andrew D. Lester describes how despair breaks down the hope process and narrative therapy (basically the retelling of our stories) creates meaning making. One of the case studies in his book actually deals with an infertile couple and has been helpful. It has shown me that at this point I need to create several future stories, one that contains children in the near future, one that contains children later in life (biological or adopted), and even one that does not contain children at all. I have infertility, I am not infertility. I have endometriosis, I am not endometriosis. To create meaning in my life I have to understand that I am more than a want to be mother and there are many successful, rewarding, and enjoyable paths that I can take from here.