It has been a few weeks since my last update, and a lot has change and nothing has changed. At least that is what it feels like. Last time I had posted we had gotten some good news and some bad. We were elated that the medications seemed to be working and I had multiple good follicles and ovulated! But unfortunately we did not get pregnant. We meet a few days later with our midwife, who I just want to say is one of the most amazing, understanding, and compassionate health care professionals I know. She is very sensitive to the burden we are carrying and wants the best for us. I had an idea of what she would have to say to us, but honestly I was not prepared for it. She told us, "We done all we can do for you." I cannot even begin to explain the emotions and thoughts that rushed over me at that moment. Sitting there on the exam table, I just wanted to throw something or curl up in a ball crying. She told us that it was time to see a reproductive endocrinologist, also known as a fertility specialist. In the mean time we would continue the current treatment, until we were able to meet with the RE. The office we were referred to asks that new patients call themselves to set up appointments. I of course called as soon as I could and left a message. I received a return call the next day explain who the doctors in the office were and that standard procedure was to check with insurance to see what if anything will be covered. I was pretty confident that our insurance would cover something since they cover my procedures at the moment.
A few days later I got a call that they had checked with the insurance and that none of the services at their office would be covered, I would be a self-pay patient. The first appointment will cost between $255-335. I was shocked and said I need time to talk it over with my husband and talk to the insurance company myself. I quickly made the called to the insurance and asked whether I had any infertility coverage. Although our exclusions only state artificial insemination and IVF as not being covered, I was told that in fact we do not have coverage for infertility procedures. This upset and confused me, and I asked why my current procedures were covered. She said that they must be diagnostic and I assured her they were not and I had check with them prior to receiving treatment, with codes that indicate fertility treatment. The irony was that our previous plan refused to pay for the diagnostic, even though Ohio state law mandates that they do. I argued with the representative for a few more minutes before I realized it was going to do me no good, all this woman knew was how to punch a code into a computer and tell me if I was covered or not. After I hung up the phone was the first time I really broke completely down on this journey. The reality sunk in that it is possible that I will never be a mom, and money was/is holding me back.
After a lot of discussing, Jeremy and I decided that we would try two more cycle with our current treatments before seeing the RE at the end of March. That would give us enough time to save up money to at least hear what he has to say, and two more hopeful chances that we would not have to see him at all. With that decision made I try to focus on the next round of treatment. I started the Clomid shortly after my appointment and was a bit hopeful because this dosage produced good follicles the last time. On the day of the ultrasound we bought another expensive HcG trigger shot with the expectation that it would be administered directly afterwards. As the ultrasound began, I felt that things were not good because the technician did not say much. She was having obvious difficulty finding any follicles, let alone good ones. Finally she said that the biggest one on the right ovary was only 1.3cm (2 is the magic number), but I was still hopefully that the left ovary would have what we needed. But it was even more difficult to find follicles there, and they measured even smaller than the ones on the right. As she told us the news, and as I was laying there in there in stirrups for what seems like the millionth time, I was numb. The only thing I remember thinking was, big freaking surprise. Afterwards, she showed us to a small room to wait for the doctor’s decision on what to do next. I knew it was not a good sign to be in a private room, even if it was a convince issue. We were probably in there a total of 5 minutes but it seemed like 5 hours, I can’t even remember what we talked about. She finally came back and said the doctor was out and would call us later in the day. I just wanted to know one way or the other. When the call finally came about 4 hours later, it was not what I wanted to hear. They felt that it was not a good idea to go ahead with the trigger, I was grateful that they were honest and angry that we had bought the shot already. After some discussion, they agree that I could try one more round of Clomid before I head to the RE next month but there was no denying that I was and still am depressed.
My future story is being threatened by something way beyond my control and I feel completely and utterly helpless. Infertility has taken over my life. I have cut back on school work to focus on treatments and health; I have to schedule my entire life around medications and appointments. This is not the way this is supposed to happen, we shouldn't have to put this much time, energy, emotion, and money into getting pregnant. It is suppose to be a fun and exciting time with a bright future. Honestly, I am concerned about my mental health at this point. On days I don’t have school I sleep around 13-15 hours just so I don’t have to deal with this, sleep has always been a coping mechanism for me. And because I sleep so much I have troubling falling asleep and usually won’t until after 2 or 3 in the morning. I do not do much, besides read and watch tv. I can literally sit in the same spot all day. The truth hit me in one of my classes when we had to introduce ourselves and say what we doing in our free time. I do nothing. I have things I want to do, say I’ll do, but none of them have happened for awhile now. That is when I decided to reach out of help. I have a few very supportive people in my life that are really helping in this process but I also have some relationships that are struggling because of it, not the least of which is my relationship with God. Being a seminary student I can think of all the things I would say to someone in my situation but that does make it easier right here, right now. So, hopefully as we seek counsel for this part of our lives, my mind and heart will be renewed.
Infertility is so different for anything else I have ever experienced or even heard explained. It does not discriminate, and can turn your life upside down. There are many misconceptions and opinions that it is hard to feel heard or even valued. People are not as supportive of those undergoing fertility treatments as they are other medical treatments, and because of this many of us suffer in silence. The Huffington Post recently ran an article on the silence of infertility, and an article in Self magazine gave an honest view of the emotion side of infertility last year. People are afraid to talk about this, not educated enough to make informed contributions, and often closed minded. The cause is growing but I am not sure I will see large visible support or even insurance coverage while I am living in the world of infertility.
Well, I think I have rambled enough…here is my song for the week: More Like Falling in Love.
