As women we are physically designed to give birth. However, for some women that desperately desire children the ability does not come so “naturally”. Infertility is defined as the inability to become or stay pregnant after a year of trying to conceived for those under 35 and six months for those 35 or older. Approximately 1 out of 8 women suffer from infertility. I am one of those women. Infertility is a physical disease but has very real mental, emotional, and spiritual components. I recently ask some friends what they would want to know if they could ask a woman with infertility anything. The following is my attempt to answer those questions with what I want you to know.
I want you to know that infertility has turned my world upside down. It threatens the future story of my family. It affects every single piece of my life. I may appear fine on the surface but underneath I am struggling with deep hurt. I am angry with God, I feel like a broken woman, I am depressed and anxious, I am a pin cushion, my relationships are struggling, and we are broke. But I get dressed and put on a show to get through the day because infertility is so misunderstood and today I do not feel like explaining. I don’t want you to judge me when I say that my husband and I decided to use medical treatments and supplements. I certain don’t want you to tell me to adopt. Trust me I have considered every possible path on the infertility road. I do not want you to pity me. Tomorrow I will spend the day crying and angry but then I will feel the need to share my own story for the healing of myself and others. So I start a blog and hold on to the little hope I have left believing I can make a difference even in my pain.
I want you to know that I am still not pregnant and we are starting a new cycle of treatment. In the next two weeks I will have three or more ultrasounds, just as many blood draws, I will give myself at least a dozen injections, take several supplements, and hope it all works this time. I will spend a couple hours on the phone with my reproductive endocrinologist’s office. I will sit in the OBGYN’s office with pregnant and menopausal women. We all are dealing with hormones; at least we have that in common. I will drive hundreds of miles to see a naturalist and a chiropractor. I think about seeing an acupuncturist but there is no way to afford that with the thousands of dollars we already spent on treatment this month. I will contact a different reproductive endocrinologist that is an additional forty miles away in hopes that he will treat me like a person and not a uterus. This month I will see half a dozen or more healthcare professionals, each providing more questions than answers.
I want you to know that my husband is my biggest supporter and all of this is affecting him as well. I wonder who he has that could possibly understand. I want you to know that I searched for emotional support very early on but there are no support groups close and I cannot afford a therapist if I want to continue physical treatment. So, I settle for internet support forums and blog writing. If anything getting my story out helps me process what is happening. I know I should lean on God, some days I pray constantly but others I am angry at God and remain silent. The mental aspect of this disease is the hardest. There are hopes followed by disappointments, there are too many unknowns. I cannot explain how I feel most days and it leads to depression and anxiety. I wonder if I will ever recover from this.
I want you to know that I am not mad at you if you became pregnant. I am angry at my situation and if it came easy or naturally for you I am jealous. If we are close I really need to hear your news from you personally. Please do not hide it from me, it will only hurt more. Try to be understanding when I do not have much to say and if I become distant. I am trying to deal with my own issues without hurting you too but it is really difficult. I want you to know that I am happy for you. If you were able to conceive on your own I am also glad that you do not have to suffer in this barren land. If you too have been struggling with infertility, your story gives me hope. Do not complain about pregnancy. I am aware that it is very difficult for many but I would be on bed rest for the whole 40 weeks if it meant I could have my own child. And some of those symptoms I know too well as I pump myself with artificial hormones each month. If you have a baby shower it is okay to invite me but please understand if I do not attend. I will be sure to send a gift. When your little one arrives, I may come to introduce myself to him/her/them but do not take it personally when I am quiet and reserve. I am struggling with many mixed emotions and whether this will ever be possible for me. We are both going to have to discover what your new status as mom means for our relationship. If this is not your first child it may be harder for me to be around the baby than your other child(ren), please be patient with me.
I want you to know that we had success! We are pregnant with our miracle, but I am nervous, worried, and scared. I am still taking hormones to help the pregnancy and I am considered high risk. I will try so hard not to complain about anything however, I have wanted this too much. I will not even let myself enjoy this pregnancy at all until after that first trimester. I do not know how I would deal with a miscarriage; there are so many more what ifs after infertility. The pregnancy is rough but I have excellent care and it seems we are going to have a healthy baby. Infertility still plagues my mind and I feel the distance grow from my other friends with infertility. I want you to know that I cherish this pregnancy with everything I have, but there is still little support for those pregnant after infertility.
I want you to know that it was a difficult road but I am a mom. My son is one of the greatest blessings of my life. I am beyond thankful to experience pregnancy, birth, and parenthood. I reached my goal but I am not cured. As I put my baby to bed tonight I will wonder if he will be my only baby. I worry about how difficult it maybe to give him siblings. How long will it take? What will it take? Can I do it all again? Can we do it all again? Is it fair to my husband, my son, and my friends?
I want you to know we were beyond blessed to become pregnant again. We suffered from many of the high risk pregnancy issues we did before. I thought it would be easier this time, but it is not. I still struggle with pregnancy announcements and births, including how to deal with my own.
I want you to know that we have a second son, but life has handed us a new journey. One of raising a child with cystic fibrosis. As unfair as it seems, infertility has help prepare us for this. Infertility has taught us more than we could ever share.
I want you to know that infertility still has a strong hold on me and haunts me daily. Infertility is debilitating and lifelong. The wounds it created may heal but there will always be scars. What I need from you is patience and a listening ear. Most of all I need you to know that I am not alone. There are 7.3 million other women in the US alone fighting this disease. Each of us has a different story and many suffer in silence. I want you to know that the disease is not respected by some. I want you to know insurances companies rarely offer coverage and treatments are expensive (as is adoption). I want you to know that legislative issues often threaten treatment options. I want you to know that there are not enough counselors, pastors, families, or friends that know about infertility. I want you to know that infertility hurts, destroys, and does not discriminate. I want you to know this because 1 in 8 is someone you know.
- http://www.resolve.org/infertility101 (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)
- http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html (About NIAW)
