Change of Plans

Well I guess my body had different plans yet again. My cycle started yesterday which has been a blessing and a curse. This means that I don’t have to take the Provera, which I is good even though I was mentally prepare to. The bad is that this is hands down the most painful period that I have had post surgery. I been experiencing intermittent cramps for about two and a half weeks but then they got significantly worse, but I’ll be honest I did not pay a lot of attention to them. Today the pain is almost constant, one I know all too well. It is the reminder that endometriosis is still with me. As unpleasant as this is, it is excited to know that I’ll be starting Clomid soon. And if need be we could possibly get three rounds in before the end of the year.

            I wanted to acknowledge that my blog can at times seem pessimistic. The first reason for this is probably because I am not the optimist of the family that is my husband. Without him, I would not be where I am today or be the person I am. He never lets me give up. I like to be prepared for the worst and hope for the best. And I am not approaching this journey any differently. I honestly thought we would be pregnant by now, and then I thought we would be on our second round of Clomid by now. That is not how it worked out and for my own sanity I have had to step back and evaluate how I’m going to handle this without continually setting myself up for disappointment. Some of it is unavoidable; no matter what every time I take a HPT I get a little anxious. I just know myself well enough to know that I need to mentally prepare myself for a variety of outcomes.

            With that said I wanted point out some of the things I use to help me through all of this both endo and infertility. As of late my commute to school has been helpful, I have an hour and fifteen minute drive one way three times a week. As crazy and draining as that sounds it gives me much need alone time with God. All this time in prayer has assured me that none of this is my fault (or anyone else’s). I know we will have a family at some point, just don’t know when or how. I have also come to the conclusion that it is okay to not be happy or content with our current situation. The desire to reach the goal of having a child is what keeps me going on, and I know that God will be there every step of the way. Rob Bell’s book Drops Like Stars: A Few Thoughts on Creativity and Suffering has been an inspiration as well. It really allows for the reader to look at the difficulties of life in a new light but also make their own conclusions. He stresses how suffering can break us down or make us something new, that when we tell our stories it is usually the suffering that has shaped us and that connects us with others. He does such a better job at expressing this and the artistic creativity in the book is amazing. It is a short, thought provoking read I recommend. Another thing I usually do is pick a song or two on my way to school each week that expresses how I feel. This week’s song has been Hope Now by Addison Road. If you have a few moments check it out.

            I have friends and family that have been helping me through this every step of the way. And have listen to me ramble about it over and over again, but it has been wonderful not to carry this burden alone. I have also joined an online support community because it is helpful to talk to people that have been where I am or are there themselves. And I have to say that Jeremy has been amazing through all of this. I tell him everything, even the things he would rather not know and he takes it all in. Sometimes I think he remembers things about my body better than I do. I couldn’t do any of this without his support and comfort. He deals with my moodiness better than I do.

            I also want to say that I have the best OB/GYN group in the world. I usually see a midwife, unless I need a surgery or procedure done, and Monday she called me just because she heard I had some questions. That is so amazing, I was able to talk to her for a few minutes and she is very understanding. She said, “We are doing all we can, and I know all this stuff can make you crazy so hang in there.” They were encouraging words after spending years not being taken seriously. 

I am going back to a gluten-free diet to deal with my Celiac disease or gluten intolerance. It is thought to be a related disease to endo, and it is something I struggle with. I have slack off in the past few months even though I know that I feel better if I keep my diet gluten free. It becomes an annoyance and honestly I have trouble justifying spending three to four times as much on a gluten free option. But I know if I want infertility treatments to work as smoothly as possible I need to take better care of myself.

            I am thankful that fall break has started, so I can catch up on school work and sleep but also relax when I need to. I don’t know what the months ahead hold but I know with love and support I will make it through.