Disappointments and Hopes

So it has been a while since I wrote for a couple reasons. First, I took a trip to the warm state of Florida with my brother in hopes of seeing the space shuttle launch. I was disappointed, we were so close and then “no-go.” My brother did get to experience Disney World and the ocean for the first time though, so the trip wasn’t a total bust. Second, we are into the second half of the semester. Therefore school is taking up a lot of my time lately, especially with last week being less than productive. Now I’m debating whether I go back November 30^th to see it the shuttle launch. I really can’t afford to miss anymore school but this is a once in a lifetime opportunity, there are only two launches left. It is a tough decision.

            Anyway on to the infertility battle or the baby train as I like to call it. I finished my Clomid and did rather well physically (or better than I thought) however emotionally I think I took it harder than I thought. I did ovulation test for over a week with no luck and then I was gone for a week so didn’t see the point and wasting money to pee on a stick. I’ve done a few since being back and nothing, so I’m not sure if the meds work or not. Given that it looks like I will be starting a second round soon, if my body cooperates. This will probably be a higher dosage so greater risk of side effects, just in time for the last few weeks of school.

            Besides all that fun stuff the insurance battle is raging on, I am still being denied benefits for diagnostic procedures. We will be going through the available channels to see if we can get the claims reversed, it may take awhile. So if you know anyone that is really good with insurance benefits or an insurance claims attorney let me know.

            The good thing about not having much time is that I don’t think about this whole process as much, although still more than enough. Let me tell you, Disney World is not the place for an infertile woman. There are pregnant women and babies abound. When I saw either I would try to think about the fact that I don’t know what the parents had to do to get to the place they are. They may have had to try for months or years, or done several different fertility treatments to reach the point of having a baby. I know that about 12% of couples have trouble getting or staying pregnant so many of the women I saw probably did not have issues but it made me feel better about the fact that they were able to have such a special gift. To know that just one of the women I saw had struggled to have something that comes so easily to others and was now living that dream is a comfort. It gives me joy for her and her family that they have finally reached that goal in life and it gives me hope for myself that I may one day have it too.

            Life narratives are another thing that I have been thinking over as well. I’m currently taking a class called “Trauma and Narrative Pastoral Counseling” and obviously narratives are a large part of that. In his book Hope in Pastoral Care and Counseling, Andrew D. Lester describes how despair breaks down the hope process and narrative therapy (basically the retelling of our stories) creates meaning making. One of the case studies in his book actually deals with an infertile couple and has been helpful. It has shown me that at this point I need to create several future stories, one that contains children in the near future, one that contains children later in life (biological or adopted), and even one that does not contain children at all. I have infertility, I am not infertility. I have endometriosis, I am not endometriosis. To create meaning in my life I have to understand that I am more than a want to be mother and there are many successful, rewarding, and enjoyable paths that I can take from here.