Hate

Last week my husband picked up a package at the post office, it wasn't very big but it held a lot of hope and cost us almost all our savings. It contained injectables for this next cycle. A little scary. You may remember last cycle did not go well and the nurse told me we might be going straight to the injectables because it is uncommon to not to respond to Femara. Well, it ended up being a combination of the two. I’ll be taking the double dose of Femara and hMG injections, I’m not sure how I feel about that. I am grateful they have decided to take an aggressive approach, but it makes infertility a bit more real. This is not going to be fixed with a pill and one shot.  At minimum it is going to require several shots and pills, shots that I am at some point going to have to administrate myself. I very thankful to have a paramedic for a husband, he could do this with his eyes close (although I won’t let him). But because he is a paramedic at some point he will not be home when I need a shot. So, later this week I’ll make a trip up to the RE’s office to learn how to inject myself, crazy. I realize that there are people that inject themselves everyday with lifesaving medications, this is different. There is no guarantee, no certainty, this is not going to directly benefit my health. Again, I come back to the question, “Is it worth it?” And again, for now it is. For now I’m prepared to do this, I want to do this.

As we keep running this race, I try not to look behind me and see if endometriosis is catching up. After this week I don’t have to guess. It is gaining ground and pulling out all the stops. I have miss school, I have lied in bed curled up in ball, spent more time in the bathroom than out of it, built up a tolerance to my pain medication, and have kept a small hold on my sanity. To add to the stress it’s finals week.  I really dislike infertility. I hate endometriosis.