Is It Worth It?

I have started my second round of Clomid, and I’ll be honest the past few days I have really wondered if all of this is worth it. The pain from cramps is almost more than I can bear, although I have endured worse in the past I know don’t how much longer I can do this. Endo has a way of gripping my insides and making me feel less than myself. For days I have wanted to curl up in a ball and disappear, I wear sweats and drink water while wishing I had strength to enjoy life to the fullest. I have been blessed enough that my cycles have fallen at times when I have had breaks from school. I don’t know how I would deal with driving to and from school and all of this.

            So to answer the question, “Is it worth it?” at the moment it is but for how long it will be I do not know. This is a one day at a time, one cycle at a time kind of thing. That is difficult for me because I like to have an idea of where I’m heading, but the reality is most of the time I don’t know. This process is more tolling on my physical and emotional well being than anything else I have yet to experience. And as I have mentioned it is also tough on our finances.

            The insurance company has denied many of our past claims, even though they were diagnostic and not treatment procedures. I talk with both the insurance company and people in billing offices and it seems there is not a lot we can do because all my records indicate that we are trying to get pregnant, no matter how many times they write endometriosis on the paper. It is not deemed medically necessary. So I fill out paper after paper to get any help I can. My midwife would like to do an ultrasound on cycle day 12 to check follicle size, and I would love to do one as well just to see if this stuff is working but insurance might not cover it. I’m not even sure if they will cover my progesterone test on day 21, a simple blood test but when it becomes an out of pocket expense it isn’t so simple anymore. I know having a child cost a lot but who ever thinks that getting pregnant will cost so much? That it would cost more than just money, it would require physical, emotional, and time compensation with no guarantee.

            Here are a few other things I’ll share with you. I recently read an article discussing how the presence of endometriosis symptoms during the teens maybe a precursor for the “most extensive form of endometriosis.” It was a short interesting read, although I think they should consider a different abbreviation for deep infiltrating endometriosis.  And my song this week has been “What Faith Can Do” by Kutless. It is one of those songs that every person can relate to. It reminds me that we aren’t going to give up on the biological baby road just yet; we have faith that we can receive a miracle. We can do the impossible (we have before) and overcome the odds.