Ridiculous

Ridiculous has been my word this week. Mostly because I feel like many things in my world are ridiculous at the moment. Last week the side effects of my medication got the best of me; beside the headache I also had an eye issue. I think it was a combination of the meds and my contacts, whatever it was it was not fun. My eye got really red throughout the day Wednesday and I really thought it was pink eye (I have had it a lot) but it was really interfering with my vision. By the time I had to go home, I could barely see out of my right eye. So I drove home with a post-it note over it, probably not the best decision I ever made. Even after I got home and took my contacts out it was getting worse, I had what look like a blister on my eye lid and it hurt to look at anything. This incident caused me to miss Thursday classes as well, getting me behind with only two weeks of school left. Sigh. Therefore I feel like this last official week of classes has been ridiculous. I have three papers to write totaling 32 pages, a Hebrew final (which my prof has made clear I really need to work on), and a presentation. Ridiculous. I’ll get it done I always do but it is hard to deal with on this emotional roller coaster.

            This week I had a progesterone test on Tuesday, which I did not expect much since the ultrasound was not what they like to see. I took an ovulation test when I got home and got the closest thing to positive I have seen as of yet (fyi ovulation tests are much harder to read than pregnancy tests). I was feeling really good about this cycle that perhaps we would get the best Christmas present ever. Even people that I am not particular close to have given me words of encouragement for this cycle, yet another reason I am so glad that I do not keep silent about this struggle. I was pretty optimistic until today. I received a call from my doctor’s office, I was unable to answer the first time she called but I could tell by the tone of her voice on the message that it was not good news. I was kind of glad I heard the voicemail and then had a few minutes before I was able to call her back, it help me prepare myself for the worse. When I finally did get to speak with the nurse she told me what I feared, the ultrasound was worse than I thought. Not only was my follicle size small, there was only one viable follicle on the left ovary. The results of my progesterone test we also not on par, so we jump ahead to thinking about the next cycle. She said that the medication will be doubled for next time around and since the highest dosage available in one pill is what I took this cycle, that means two pills a day.  The actual taking of the medication does not bother me; I have swallowed more than my fair share of pills. It is the idea that the cost of this venture never stops.  If I am taking two pills a day that means I have to pay twice as much for my medication. Ridiculous. And then there are the effects. If I am this emotional on this dosage what is going to happen when it is doubled? Thankfully I will be on a very long break from school this time as I do not go back until February. I’m still a little hopeful that this cycle could have a positive result, it only takes one egg and I believe in a God that still performs miracles. In the mean time I will work like crazy on school work, take a break tomorrow to spend the day shopping for myself with my mom, and maybe get my husband to take me to see the new Narnia movie (he said I had to be caught up with my school work). So, maybe not everything is ridiculous.