Emotions and More Meds

I haven’t written for awhile both because I have been so busy and second nothing much has changed. I started writing last week so the following paragraph is from that.

I’m angry. I’m depressed. My body, mind, and heart hurt. And it is okay that I feel this way, sorry but I really don’t believe anyone can be happy all the time. Without the suffering and the heartache the best moments in life would not be as special. The stress of all of this is a lot to bear and I’m so blessed to have an amazing husband that is with me every step of the way. He allows me to deal with this how I need to even if it isn’t the most desirable way. I so sick of the “God will give you children when it is time.” I know God has a plan for me bigger than myself; I have had to grieve the lost of my own plan to God’s more than once in my life. I get that, and I don’t regret the choices I have made. But I also cannot sit back and wait on God without any effort from myself. As with anything, nothing will happen if you don’t put effort into it.  So that is why we continue to push on as long as we can.

That was certainly how I felt last week and although I feel better emotionally for the time being it is easy for those feelings to creep back in. My mind was every which way last week and my dean and some of my professors were understanding and able to give me a little more time to complete some of my school work. I felt like such a wimp for asking for more time, but that is really what I need time to deal with this and not make decisions out of haste. If there is one thing I have learned in my short 25 years is that you have to know when to ask for help, and admit that you are doing too much. It is a lesson I learned the hard way over and over and still have a hard time with. So although I may feel uneasy about my condition it may be the first time that I have made a conscious effort to take care of myself first.

After the news from my doctor I focused on resting and getting the stuff done for the three classes I had to finish in the coming week. Tuesday, I had a Hebrew test which has been tough for me this semester (got coney dogs and corn nuggets at the dining hall thoughJ). After a stressful test I got another call for the doctor suggesting that I start progesterone suppositories to help jump start my cycle and then continue them after we find a dominant follicle to help with possible implantation. This medication is also not covered by insurance and has to be compounded so it is a little pricy but still manageable right now. I started the progesterone on Friday and I have to say I am not thrill about another medication but seem to be doing alright, I’m a little more tired but nothing too bad.

Jeremy and I also got to spend this weekend at Kalahari with his family for Christmas. It was good to see them and for Jeremy to have some time to relax. And they got me a Kindle and Amazon gift cards to load it up with! It was nice to have a mini escape from reality but now it is back to the real world.