Blessings

There are times when I still cannot believe this is happening, we are pregnant! We have reached a milestone that seemed so far off if not impossible for so long. The truth is I still see myself as having infertility, only blessed with the exception. Infertility and endometriosis are still important parts of who I am and always will be, they have shape me, my husband, and our relationship in ways we could have never foreseen. I like to hope that it has also changed the lives of others if only that they are more aware, understanding, and compassionate towards those suffering from reproductive disorders and infertility. I am not shy about the fact that it cost us a lot to get our miracle baby and that there are a lot of factors that often are left unseen during infertility treatment. Pregnancy is not a complete cure for infertility; I have been changed by this disease in many ways both good and not so good. I will remain an advocate for infertility education and care no matter how many pregnancies and babies we are blessed with.

As for an update on this pregnancy, it has been a wild ride thus far for sure with no signs of slowing down. I wish I could say pregnancy is the best experience of my life, but at this point that would be a lie. I always said I would not complain about pregnancy symptoms because some of them are very similar to those experienced with infertility treatment only with pregnancy it is because hormones are being produced to sustain a new life as oppose to injected hormones with the hope of follicle growth and ultimately pregnancy. But pregnancy brings about its own new challenges emotionally and physically. Honestly for the first trimester I did not allow myself to fully appreciate and take joy in fact that a life was growing inside of me. That sounds a little harsh I am sure but my history of infertility coupled with endometriosis increases the odds of miscarriage greatly. I just could not allow for myself to get my hopes up especially when I experienced bright red spotting between the 7^th and 11^th weeks. I had to continue use of progesterone supplements, yet another reminder that “normal” and pregnancy are not in the cards for me.

            When you are pregnant every woman that has ever had a child seems to tell you their pregnancy and birth stories. Sometimes I feel bad when someone asks how I’m feeling and my reply is, “Not so great.” Morning sickness is normal and for me it has been an adventure, I have to say that I am very thankful for the drug Zofran. Many people have told me I should feel better this trimester, I am still waiting on that. But if this is what it takes to have a child I can endure, vomiting is a heck of lot cheaper than hCG shots. The baby has been doing well and I not only got to hear the heartbeat but hear the baby move. The only concern right now is my blood pressure, it is a little high. I might have to go on medication for that in the future but I’m thankful that we were vigilant and caught it now, so we can better prevent complications such as preeclampsia. As long as the baby is healthy, I am happy.           

This Christmas is going to be great even if finances are a little tight as we catch up from all the medical costs it took us to get this far and to maintain this pregnancy. We got the best gift we could have hoped for, and truly I cannot ask for more. As I reflect on last year at this time, it really is amazing the difference a year makes. Treatments were not going well at this time last year, school had become overwhelming, and I was depressed. Who would have thought all of that would be completely different this year. We are going to have a baby in less than six months, school went better than expected (and I finished finals on time), and I am pretty happy.  My baby bump seems to get bigger by the day and I’ll admit I enjoy showing it off. At the end of next week we will find out the gender, Jeremy is betting on a girl. We’ll see. 

What We Are Expecting...

Last post I mention that our plan to do an IUI in September did not happen. Well, we now know what is to coming next on this journey. My husband, Jeremy made this short video that chronicles our path thus far and what is ahead.
 





I have to thank our long time chiropractor as he is the one that found a combination of supplements I am currently taking. Without him we would not be at this point, and as always though we have planned our course God has directed our path.

Giving Infertility a Voice

Yet again it has been a while since I have updated. Mostly because things have not gone as we had planned the last couple months and also because school is a big priority right now. I am sorry that it has taken so long for an update and that this will not be much of one. I wanted to share a part of Redbook magazine’s No Shame Campaign, call The Truth About Trying: Infertility Stories from Celebrities and Women Like You. It provides a place for women and men to openly talk about infertility and the way it affects their lives. If you have followed my story you know some of the ways this happens, but we are some of the “lucky ones”. We found out early, we have great insurance that covers some procedures, and family and friends that have supported us through this journey. Please take a few minutes to listen to a couple of stories from these women that have struggled with infertility.

            Our story is not yet over and I should have an update in a couple weeks to let you all know what we should be expecting in the future. And remember that one in eight couples struggle with infertility so someone you know is most likely suffering from this disease. Please do your part by listening to the voice infertility is still trying to find.               

Stepping up the Game

     I know it has been awhile since I updated and that is mostly because we took last cycle off of treatments and I decided to give myself a mental vacation from the infertility world. Well, as much as I could. Since, the last go around was unsuccessful we met with a new doctor. We are super excited about this change as we feel this clinic actually sees us as people and most importantly listens to us. It helps that insurance covers some of the procedures there too. After looking at all of our records, the doctor could tell we had been doing all that we could but he was not really sure that the pervious clinic was holding up their end of the deal. I completely agreed. He was very direct and to the point and because all previous attempts were unsuccessful we all agreed it was time to step up the game. In infertility treatment that means IUI, intrauterine insemination.

    IUI is exactly what it sounds like, artificial insemination that takes place inside of the uterus. Good thing is it does not mean a lot of changes from previous treatment. I’ll still do all the ultrasounds, blood draws, and shots but at the end we will go to the clinic for insemination instead of doing things the “natural way.” This is what we assumed would be the next step so we were not surprise, but it is a little disappointing that it has come to this. It is kind of like the finally straw that says, this really is not going to happen naturally for us at all. Insemination makes it sound like a sure thing, which is far from true. Given my situation and current treatment I have around a 20% chance of becoming pregnant during a cycle, IUI will increase our odds to about 25%. I know it does not seem like much but at this point even a half a percent is a big deal. We are hopeful that the next few months will be our time because the step after IUI is a large one. IVF (in vitro fertilization) would hold much higher success rates for a couple our age, but is a lot more demanding in all aspects. It is a multi month journey, with the usual procedures plus egg retrievals and fertilizations. It also comes with a very large price tag and ethical concerns. IVF is still a forbidden land for some, especially specific Christian communities. To be honest it was one of those arguable topics that I did not take a real stand on until it became personal. When I realized that it is a possibility that IVF could be the only way I could carry my own biological child, it did not seem like such a bad thing. We do that often; don’t care until it directly affects us. I can clearly see both the arguments for and against IVF, and know that if our time requires IVF it will present new challenges.  I really hope that is not where we are headed but I cannot ignore that is likely. In the next couple weeks I am going to use this space to look at the ethical, emotional, and mental concerns of both IUI and IVF. 

Can I get a frequent patient card?

         Wow. That describes the past week pretty well, not at all where I expect things to be going. The second week of the cycle is the most drug, ultrasound, and lab intensive. Overall I ended up with 17 ampules of hMG, 4 ultrasounds (3 within 5 days), two blood draws, and one trigger shot. The ultrasounds and blood draws are so frequent now that the obgyn’s office knows me by name and the pathology lab knows exactly where my order is coming from by just looking at me. Things that use to make my blood pressure and anxiety rise are now just another part of my day. That is a place I never thought I would be, where labs and scans filling the calendar is the norm.  

         That was not however the most stressful part of the treatment, that would be working with the doctor’s office. To preserve the integrity of the staff and myself I will not divulge details, but I will say communication is important in any relationship. The result of miscommunication among other actions has resulted and everyone being disgruntle, and ultimately our departure from our currently clinic. It had been an idea we had been discussing for a while and after this week we knew it was necessary. Our insurance covers much more at the other clinic, which will hopefully prevent some of problems we experience with misunderstanding in the past. I think fertility clinic staff would be much more understanding and considerate if they were aware of how much their patients are actually paying for services. And I must say after that was explained to the current clinic they were much more willing to accommodate us and we are very grateful.

       The results of treatment are hard to know because I was unable to have my usual ultrasound tech this go around and the pervious mentioned miscommunication. What I do know is that we had a few good follicles on the left and lots of small ones on the right, however the estradiol were not as high as we would like. Saturday after all the issues came to a climax and an ultrasound was performed by a doctor we were given the okay to go ahead with a trigger shot. We were also given the disclaimer that there is an “increased risk” of multiples. I laughed a little because who am I to be picky at this point? Do I desire high number multiples? No, but I think I would learn to make do.   

Back at the Starting Line

So here we are again, at the start of another round. Last time I updated we were in the middle of a cycle and had just finished the second ultrasound. After a third ultrasound and more blood work, things still were not progressing as desired. Instead of giving up completely the hMG dosage was increased to two injections a day, but it might not have been enough, bringing us back to the starting line once again.
            I know I have complained about endometriosis a lot but part of the reason I do is that I want you to understand that it is a very real disease. I kept silent for years because I believed the lies that I was just weak and everyone had “bad periods”. Not true. When a woman has endometriosis it can take over her life, she’ll miss school/work, avoid social situations, and suffer physical and emotional pain. For a few months after my surgery I got to experience what I would call an endometriosis free life, it was refreshing and exciting but short lived. Now about a year and half later I am almost back to my pre-surgery state. It is a little hard to take especially when it starts affecting others. My husband and I spent the weekend at the lake and I was not a lot of fun because I did not feel well but I sucked it up and put on a good show, I learned to master that a long time ago. The façade could only last so long as my body got the best of me. After multiple trips to the bathroom, which I use to think was caused by IBS – but is more than likely endometrial lesions on my intestines, I lied in bed crying from the pain. When I could not take it anymore I woke up my friend at four in the morning in hope that some fresh air would help. I felt so bad for waking her up and even though I know I would try to do the same for her, I cannot repay her for all she has done along this journey for me. My husband I ended up sleeping curled up in the back of our SUV because I felt better outside. And I am saddened by the fact that things should not be this way, endo is not something we talk about because we are afraid to offend someone by talking about “woman problems”. For that reason research and treatment is underfunded and slow, we have no problem talking about breast but talk about menstrual cycles and people do not want to hear it.  I have had people tell me that my blog is TMI (too much information) but that is part of my point. I did not choose to have endometriosis and I should not suffer because the problems it causes make others uncomfortable, it makes me uncomfortable too. This puts it in perspective, “‎If 7 million men suffered unbearable pain with sex and exercise and were offered pregnancy, castration or hormones as treatment, Endo would be a national emergency to which we would transfer the defense budget to find a cure.”-Nancy Petersen, RN, ERC Advisor, Internationally recognized advocate.
         Now that I am sure you have had enough of my ranting, a little on our current state. I had an ultrasound today which a required a lot of phone calls and waiting, but it got done. I’ll start the injections tomorrow at 1.5 ampules and then get another ultrasound in a week. Praying that this is our time.    

More meds

       Very short update on what is going on. Monday was ultrasound number two for this cycle and it show a little bit of growth on the right side follicles. Since the ultrasound did not show the preferred development we increased my hMG dosage to one and half. Then, Tuesday was a blood draw to check my estradiol levels. It looks like things still aren’t exactly where we would like them to be so that means more shots. We are going to keep up with the larger dose until Friday and check again with an ultrasound and blood draw.

       I have really felt like my life revolves around infertility this week. Waiting day to day for results is nerve racking, I feel like I have to be connected to my phone all day for a three minute call that dictates my treatment. The actual shots don’t bother me much anymore, although I am not sure I will ever get use to the burning sensation of the meds. My thighs do have large matching bruises, a small price to pay if this actually works.