Resolve to know more...

A previous blog entry of mine was a good fit for this year's National Infertility Awareness Week blog challenge.  Therefore,  I'm reposting with a couple additions to reflect our life changes since the last post.

As women we are physically designed to give birth. However, for some women that desperately desire children the ability does not come so “naturally”. Infertility is defined as the inability to become or stay pregnant after a year of trying to conceived for those under 35 and six months for those 35 or older. Approximately 1 out of 8 women suffer from infertility. I am one of those women. Infertility is a physical disease but has very real mental, emotional, and spiritual components. I recently ask some friends what they would want to know if they could ask a woman with infertility anything. The following is my attempt to answer those questions with what I want you to know.
I want you to know that infertility has turned my world upside down. It threatens the future story of my family. It affects every single piece of my life. I may appear fine on the surface but underneath I am struggling with deep hurt. I am angry with God, I feel like a broken woman, I am depressed and anxious, I am a pin cushion, my relationships are struggling, and we are broke. But I get dressed and put on a show to get through the day because infertility is so misunderstood and today I do not feel like explaining. I don’t want you to judge me when I say that my husband and I decided to use medical treatments and supplements. I certain don’t want you to tell me to adopt. Trust me I have considered every possible path on the infertility road. I do not want you to pity me. Tomorrow I will spend the day crying and angry but then I will feel the need to share my own story for the healing of myself and others. So I start a blog and hold on to the little hope I have left believing I can make a difference even in my pain.
I want you to know that I am still not pregnant and we are starting a new cycle of treatment. In the next two weeks I will have three or more ultrasounds, just as many blood draws,  I will give myself at least a dozen injections, take several supplements, and hope it all works this time. I will spend a couple hours on the phone with my reproductive endocrinologist’s office. I will sit in the OBGYN’s office with pregnant and menopausal women. We all are dealing with hormones; at least we have that in common. I will drive hundreds of miles to see a naturalist and a chiropractor. I think about seeing an acupuncturist but there is no way to afford that with the thousands of dollars we already spent on treatment this month. I will contact a different reproductive endocrinologist that is an additional forty miles away in hopes that he will treat me like a person and not a uterus. This month I will see half a dozen or more healthcare professionals, each providing more questions than answers.
I want you to know that my husband is my biggest supporter and all of this is affecting him as well. I wonder who he has that could possibly understand. I want you to know that I searched for emotional support very early on but there are no support groups close and I cannot afford a therapist if I want to continue physical treatment. So, I settle for internet support forums and blog writing. If anything getting my story out helps me process what is happening. I know I should lean on God, some days I pray constantly but others I am angry at God and remain silent. The mental aspect of this disease is the hardest. There are hopes followed by disappointments, there are too many unknowns. I cannot explain how I feel most days and it leads to depression and anxiety. I wonder if I will ever recover from this.
I want you to know that I am not mad at you if you became pregnant. I am angry at my situation and if it came easy or naturally for you I am jealous. If we are close I really need to hear your news from you personally. Please do not hide it from me, it will only hurt more. Try to be understanding when I do not have much to say and if I become distant. I am trying to deal with my own issues without hurting you too but it is really difficult. I want you to know that I am happy for you. If you were able to conceive on your own I am also glad that you do not have to suffer in this barren land. If you too have been struggling with infertility, your story gives me hope. Do not complain about pregnancy. I am aware that it is very difficult for many but I would be on bed rest for the whole 40 weeks if it meant I could have my own child. And some of those symptoms I know too well as I pump myself with artificial hormones each month.  If you have a baby shower it is okay to invite me but please understand if I do not attend. I will be sure to send a gift.  When your little one arrives, I may come to introduce myself to him/her/them but do not take it personally when I am quiet and reserve. I am struggling with many mixed emotions and whether this will ever be possible for me. We are both going to have to discover what your new status as mom means for our relationship. If this is not your first child it may be harder for me to be around the baby than your other child(ren), please be patient with me.
I want you to know that we had success! We are pregnant with our miracle, but I am nervous, worried, and scared. I am still taking hormones to help the pregnancy and I am considered high risk. I will try so hard not to complain about anything however, I have wanted this too much. I will not even let myself enjoy this pregnancy at all until after that first trimester. I do not know how I would deal with a miscarriage; there are so many more what ifs after infertility.  The pregnancy is rough but I have excellent care and it seems we are going to have a healthy baby. Infertility still plagues my mind and I feel the distance grow from my other friends with infertility. I want you to know that I cherish this pregnancy with everything I have, but there is still little support for those pregnant after infertility.  
I want you to know that it was a difficult road but I am a mom. My son is one of the greatest blessings of my life. I am beyond thankful to experience pregnancy, birth, and parenthood. I reached my goal but I am not cured. As I put my baby to bed tonight I will wonder if he will be my only baby. I worry about how difficult it maybe to give him siblings. How long will it take? What will it take? Can I do it all again? Can we do it all again? Is it fair to my husband, my son, and my friends?
I want you to know we were beyond blessed to become pregnant again. We suffered from many of the high risk pregnancy issues we did before. I thought it would be easier this time, but it is not. I still struggle with pregnancy announcements and births, including how to deal with my own.
I want you to know that we have a second son, but life has handed us a new journey.  One of raising a child with cystic fibrosis. As unfair as it seems, infertility has help prepare us for this. Infertility has taught us more than we could ever share.
I want you to know that infertility still has a strong hold on me and haunts me daily. Infertility is debilitating and lifelong. The wounds it created may heal but there will always be scars. What I need from you is patience and a listening ear. Most of all I need you to know that I am not alone. There are 7.3 million other women in the US alone fighting this disease. Each of us has a different story and many suffer in silence. I want you to know that the disease is not respected by some. I want you to know insurances companies rarely offer coverage and treatments are expensive (as is adoption).  I want you to know that legislative issues often threaten treatment options. I want you to know that there are not enough counselors, pastors, families, or friends that know about infertility. I want you to know that infertility hurts, destroys, and does not discriminate. I want you to know this because 1 in 8 is someone you know.

• http://www.resolve.org/infertility101  (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)
• http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html (About NIAW)

I Want You to Know

I'm really hoping to find the will to begin writing again, both publicly and privately. This is a start, although this post is from my previous work. I initially wrote this piece for a fellow student's publication focused of giving women voice and a place to share our stories. However I do believe it gives a good summary of my infertility journey. Thanks for reading.
As women we are physically designed to give birth. However, for some women that desperately desire children the ability does not come so “naturally”. Infertility is defined as the inability to become or stay pregnant after a year of trying to conceived for those under 35 and six months for those 35 or older. Approximately 1 out of 8 women suffer from infertility. I am one of those women. Infertility is a physical disease but has very real mental, emotional, and spiritual components. I recently ask some friends what they would want to know if they could ask a woman with infertility anything. The following is my attempt to answer those questions with what I want you to know.
I want you to know that infertility has turned my world upside down. It threatens the future story of my family. It affects every single piece of my life. I may appear fine on the surface but underneath I am struggling with deep hurt. I am angry with God, I feel like a broken woman, I am depressed and anxious, I am a pin cushion, my relationships are struggling, and we are broke. But I get dressed and put on a show to get through the day because infertility is so misunderstood and today I do not feel like explaining. I don’t want you to judge me when I say that my husband and I decided to use medical treatments and supplements. I certain don’t want you to tell me to adopt. Trust me I have considered every possible path on the infertility road. I do not want you to pity me. Tomorrow I will spend the day crying and angry but then I will feel the need to share my own story for the healing of myself and others. So I start a blog and hold on to the little hope I have left believing I can make a difference even in my pain.
I want you to know that I am still not pregnant and we are starting a new cycle of treatment. In the next two weeks I will have three or more ultrasounds, just as many blood draws,  I will give myself at least a dozen injections, take several supplements, and hope it all works this time. I will spend a couple hours on the phone with my reproductive endocrinologist’s office. I will sit in the OBGYN’s office with pregnant and menopausal women. We all are dealing with hormones; at least we have that in common. I will drive hundreds of miles to see a naturalist and a chiropractor. I think about seeing an acupuncturist but there is no way to afford that with the thousands of dollars we already spent on treatment this month. I will contact a different reproductive endocrinologist that is an additional forty miles away in hopes that he will treat me like a person and not a uterus. This month I will see half a dozen or more healthcare professionals, each providing more questions than answers.
I want you to know that my husband is my biggest supporter and all of this is affecting him as well. I wonder who he has that could possibly understand. I want you to know that I searched for emotional support very early on but there are no support groups close and I cannot afford a therapist if I want to continue physical treatment. So, I settle for internet support forums and blog writing. If anything getting my story out helps me process what is happening. I know I should lean on God, some days I pray constantly but others I am angry at God and remain silent. The mental aspect of this disease is the hardest. There are hopes followed by disappointments, there are too many unknowns. I cannot explain how I feel most days and it leads to depression and anxiety. I wonder if I will ever recover from this.
I want you to know that I am not mad at you if you became pregnant. I am angry at my situation and if it came easy or naturally for you I am jealous. If we are close I really need to hear your news from you personally. Please do not hide it from me, it will only hurt more. Try to be understanding when I do not have much to say and if I become distant. I am trying to deal with my own issues without hurting you too but it is really difficult. I want you to know that I am happy for you. If you were able to conceive on your own I am also glad that you do not have to suffer in this barren land. If you too have been struggling with infertility, your story gives me hope. Do not complain about pregnancy. I am aware that it is very difficult for many but I would be on bed rest for the whole 40 weeks if it meant I could have my own child. And some of those symptoms I know too well as I pump myself with artificial hormones each month.  If you have a baby shower it is okay to invite me but please understand if I do not attend. I will be sure to send a gift.  When your little one arrives, I may come to introduce myself to him/her/them but do not take it personally when I am quiet and reserve. I am struggling with many mixed emotions and whether this will ever be possible for me. We are both going to have to discover what your new status as mom means for our relationship. If this is not your first child it may be harder for me to be around the baby than your other child(ren), please be patient with me.
I want you to know that we had success! We are pregnant with our miracle, but I am nervous, worried, and scared. I am still taking hormones to help the pregnancy and I am considered high risk. I will try so hard not to complain about anything however, I have wanted this too much. I will not even let myself enjoy this pregnancy at all until after that first trimester. I do not know how I would deal with a miscarriage; there are so many more what ifs after infertility.  The pregnancy is rough but I have excellent care and it seems we are going to have a healthy baby. Infertility still plagues my mind and I feel the distance grow from my other friends with infertility. I want you to know that I cherish this pregnancy with everything I have, but there is still little support for those pregnant after infertility.  
I want you to know that it was a difficult road but I am a mom. My son is one of the greatest blessings of my life. I am beyond thankful to experience pregnancy, birth, and parenthood. I reached my goal but I am not cured. As I put my baby to bed tonight I will wonder if he will be my only baby. I worry about how difficult it maybe to give him siblings. How long will it take? What will it take? Can I do it all again? Can we do it all again? Is it fair to my husband, my son, and my friends?
I want you to know that infertility still has a strong hold on me and haunts me daily. Infertility is debilitating and lifelong. The wounds it created may heal but there will always be scars. What I need from you is patience and a listening ear. Most of all I need you to know that I am not alone. There are 7.3 million other women in the US alone fighting this disease. Each of us has a different story and many suffer in silence. I want you to know that the disease is not respected by some. I want you to know insurances companies rarely offer coverage and treatments are expensive (as is adoption).  I want you to know that legislative issues often threaten treatment options. I want you to know that there are not enough counselors, pastors, families, or friends that know about infertility. I want you to know that infertility hurts, destroys, and does not discriminate. I want you to know this because 1 in 8 is someone you know.
For more information about infertility visit resolve.org.

My Time is Here

It has been way to long since I updated so I had to go back and look at the last couple entries. The last time I wrote Noah was breeched and I was dealing with my blood pressure. As we approached the end of week 36 both of these were still issues for us. My blood pressure medication was doubled and that made being 9 months pregnant even more uncomfortable because I felt like it was the first trimester all over again. We made it through though and I remained pregnant for what felt like forever. Thanks to my amazing chiropractor we were able to get Noah turned from the breeched position to head down at 37 weeks. It was so crazy.  I had been going for regular adjustments since before my pregnancy and then went weekly after we learned that he was breeched. On the way back from my second weekly appointment I was able to feel him turn. It was such an odd and amazing feeling. I had an ultrasound later that day and it confirmed that Noah was in the “go” position. I was still pregnant a few weeks later at my 39 week check-up, which was longer than any of us thought we would make it. That was when the decision was made to start induction on my due date if I did not start labor on my own.

The weekend came and went and no baby so at 40 weeks we started induction. Jeremy and I made sure to enjoy a nice dinner just the two of us before the craziness began. We arrived at the hospital just before seven pm and shortly after my friend Jenny arrived. Not long after they inserted the cervidel to soften my cervix. We spent the rest of the evening talking and breaking the television. Yeah, we somehow managed to screw up the volume on the tv and they had to replace it at 10 o’clock. We didn’t even end up using it then, but watching them try to repair it was pretty entertaining. We all tried to get some sleep but I think I was the one that got the most. Jeremy did not sleep well the night before so he was exhausted by Wednesday. In the morning, I was 3 cm dilated so things were going fairly well. After I ate breakfast, they started the Pitocin. Around 10:30 Jenny and I took a walk around the maternity floor while Jeremy took a nap. That was pretty much all it took. By the time we came back to the room around 11 I had started active labor. I’ve heard that Pitocin makes your contractions more painful, I wouldn’t know. However, I went from 0-10 superfast. Literally and figuratively. I had a lot of back labor and since I decided to go without the epidural, I am pretty sure the whole floor heard me screaming. I did not get to labor in the tub like I wanted because I needed to be able to walk there myself and that was not happening. By 1:30 it was time to push and everything was a blur. Jeremy got to catch Noah at 1:49 and I was able to have skin to skin right away. The sweetness of the moment was short lived because a few seconds later Noah pooped all over me. We will not forget it, that’s for sure. I was also able to breastfeed right away but I do not remember it much because I was getting stitched up at the same time. Noah came out with is hand up by his face (just like he had been in all the ultrasounds) and tore me up. I also ended up breaking my tailbone, but I would do it all again for my miracle.

I can’t really explain the emotions I felt during labor and delivery. It went by so fast, at least for me. I was in awe of how the human body takes over and manages the pain in its own way. Although, the process was hard on me physically we were blessed with a perfect baby boy. After the struggles we have had in the past few years to get to this point, Jeremy and I both mentally prepared ourselves for something to be wrong. We were blessed beyond our expectations. Noah was 8lb 10 oz and 21.5 inches long. He passed all his screenings and less than a week later he was above his birth weight. He was the best birthday present I have ever received, even if he was a day early. I had all these thoughts about how I it would feel to finally have a baby and really it was nothing like that. I didn’t even cry until we were in the car heading home. It was all surreal, even now two months later it still does not feel real sometimes. We are starting a new chapter in this journey but it is far from over. We face many future decisions about how to deal with both my infertility and endometriosis. I hope to continue blogging about these and other topics in the future.   

Below are a few maternity pictures and our wonderful baby boy.  

 All the above professional pictures were done by Jami Rehm of Rehm Photography, we cannot thank her enough.

 Our not so little guy at 1 month.

Looking for trouble.

All smiles, today at 2 months.

Don't Ignore the Lasting Effects of Infertility

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) and like last year Resolve is promoting a blog challenge. This year’s theme is “Don’t Ignore…” I chose to say, Don’t ignore the lasting effects of infertility. I chose this because as I sit here 37 weeks pregnant infertility still has a hold on me. One would think that when an infertile woman finally gets two pink lines on that little stick she is ecstatic. And maybe some are, but I was not. My first reaction was shock and then fear. Since we got pregnant during an unmonitored cycle I felt like I had no control and did not know how much faith to put in that little stick. We also found out on a holiday weekend so we had to wait three days before we could talk to our health care providers. When we finally did get a blood test confirmation I had already been taking progesterone supplements with the hope that everything would be okay. If you have followed my blog you know I had a few episodes of spotting during the first trimester. I sure any pregnant woman that experiences this goes through a roller coaster of emotions, but for me there was the added what ifs. What if I miscarry and I can’t get pregnant again? How long do we keep trying? I have tried very hard not to take this pregnancy for granted because even now I know this could be the only time I am able to have this experience. I hope it is not but I am going to cherish the fact that I got it and acknowledge that it may or may not happen again. Pregnancy is not a cure for infertility, as I have said over and over again the experience has affected every part of our lives. It has changed the way we view life and help us appreciate what we have. It changed our relationships with family, friends, and God. It drastically changed our plans for the future. And there are still times when I wonder what life would have been like without infertility. I do not think I can ever say that I am thankful for infertility because that would be a lie, but I do know that the struggle has made us stronger. I would not be the person I am today without infertility, which is both a good and bad thing. I can still hold bitterness for not being able to have children the way I wanted or when I wanted. But I also know more about how my body works than I ever thought I would and I have valued my pregnancy more than I would have had this been “easy”.  I hold a special bond with those that are still on the journey to parenthood because although I am about to achieve what we all want, I know the struggle and emotions that can only be felt in that time of hopelessness. I cannot wait to hold our little boy and let him know that I have been fighting for him for a very long time and that he is a wonderful blessing.    

For those that have been following our story, here is a short update. Things have been going fairly well. The blood pressure medication has been doing its job for the most part. The first week of it was pretty tough as it made me really sick, I now understand why so many people stop taking their blood pressure medication. But I stuck it out and I am doing pretty well now, although I have had some spikes in my readings. Noah is growing well; he has measured a little on the big side for a while and apparently has a large head. The only concern now is that he is breeched. We are trying all kinds of natural ways to get him to turn before labor begins but if he does not we still have options. They might be able to turn him from the outside and induce right away or we might just have to have a c-section. A caesarean was not my first option as I was hoping to do this as natural as possible but at this point I know I need to do what is best for the baby and me. And to be honest this baby can come any time now and I’ll be happy.

·         http://www.resolve.org/infertility101  (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)

·         http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html (About NIAW)

Preparing

Since the last time I wrote it feels like time is moving at rapid speed. We had a couple baby showers with family and friends and we started putting the nursery together. It is so surreal to see all this baby stuff in our house for our baby. I went shopping with my mom to pick up the rest of the stuff we “need” and almost cried at the register. Then I realized that the amount I paid for a cart full of baby stuff would not have even covered a month of injections this time last year. It was another one of those little things that makes me appreciate how fortunate we are to be blessed with a child.

We are about half way through our 32^nd week now and have started appointments every week along with a BPP (biophysical profile). The BPP is an ultrasound to make sure that Noah is growing like he should and everything else is doing well. No this is not “normal” but my blood pressure is still a little high so they are taking all the precautionary measures. I am starting meds to help keep the blood pressure down and get to do all kinds of fun tests. Today I get to collect my urine for 24 hours to check to proteins and it has to be kept in the fridge, which I think is kind of funny. Even though my bp is high and I feel like I am swelling up like a balloon, Noah is doing great. He scored an 8/8 this week on the BPP and is a big baby for his age at just over 5 pounds. And as much as the reason for the weekly ultrasounds is not a comforting thing it is nice to get to see our baby’s little face in 4D once a week.

With a little over 7 weeks until our due date, I’ll be happy to get through about 5 and half more. I just need to take care of myself by resting and drinking plenty of water. Thankfully, I have an amazing husband that makes sure I get my feet up and the water down.

Also, I know it is almost the end of the month but I want to point out that it is National Endometriosis Awareness month. If you have kept up with my blog you know how much this disease has affected my family and me. There are an estimated 3-5 million women in the United States living with endo and 30-40% of those women will experience some form of infertility. Please, familiarize yourself with the symptoms of this disease so that you can help identify it in yourself or someone you love. Some facts on endometriosis can be found here.          

Only a few more months

This time last year we were getting prepare to see a reproductive endocrinologist, now we are getting prepare to bring baby Noah into the world. We have less than 100 days until our due date! The second trimester has been much better than the first (although it took a while to get there). I feel like I have been eating nonstop and I am about to buy a cow to save on milk cost. I would not trade this for anything though. I told Jeremy last night that there are times I want it to be May and other times I just want to cherish each and every moment of this time. If this is the only time that I am able to carry our biological child, I do not want to take it for granted. I am also ready to see his little face. As we approach that day we have taken both birthing and breastfeeding class. We realized that we are about as prepare as we can be for what is to come, mostly because I read all the time and Jeremy has delivered a baby already. Even though we are busy getting things situated for our new addition, the world does not stop for us. So, I am back to school for a couple classes, although it is likely that we will be a family of three before they end. I know I am a little crazy but for financial reasons it was the best plan and honestly with this being my 22^nd consecutive year of school I do not know how to function without it.

Amazingly, by the grace of God, I have not really been completely overwhelmed. I have my moments of mini freak outs that are usually about nonsensical things, like having to eat hospital food for a day or two. Silly, I know. I have to thank everyone for the continued encouragement and prayers along this part of our journey, we had the potential for complications early and so far they have been avoided. As with any pregnancy we just hope for a healthy baby and mama, and if everything goes according to our birth plan that is just icing on the cake.  

It's a...

A couple weeks ago we had our 20 week ultrasound to find out the sex of our little one. It’s a boy! Jeremy was wrong, haha, not that I think he minds at all. Everyone asked me what I thought it was but I really did not have any idea. I am just ecstatic that everything looks great so far, seeing the four cambers of his heart working was more precious to me than seeing that “little thing”.  As hard and lasting as the effects of our infertility are and will be, I am grateful for the life inside of me that I might otherwise take for granted. I am not saying that others to do appreciation and value their unborn babies, but that because of infertility I believe I have a different perspective of what is going on inside of me. I am also aware of how my pregnancy can make other infertile friends feel, I understand the jealously and anger they may feel. I have been there. And trust me this is a road that is very difficult to understand from the outside. I know the emotions others have are not directed towards me but just the frustration and questioning that comes from infertility. I do not know why our journey was rather short compared to some; all I know is that we have been blessed beyond our expectations.

It is starting to feel more real now as it is 2012 and our little guy will be here before we know it. We have started a registry and are working on getting the “nursery” set up, he is going to have to share his room with mommy’s study for now. I have been able to feel him move for about six weeks now and he certainly likes to move around. He was also able to give his daddy a Christmas gift of feeling a good “kick”. I know those are things that most expected mothers love but they are extra important to us. I literally broke down when Jeremy was able to feel him because there were many days in the past few years where I thought that would never be possible. It is crazy to think that we will be able to hold him in just a few more months. He is going to be one spoiled baby too; he will be the first grandchild on my side of the family. And his soon to be cousin and he will be vying for that title come spring on daddy’s side. So not only will we be parents but aunt and uncle come May (or sooner). It so crazy how fast life can change, and I cannot wait to experience the ups and downs that parenthood will bring.

Below are a couple “pictures” of our little guy and one of the growing bump.  

    

Blessings

There are times when I still cannot believe this is happening, we are pregnant! We have reached a milestone that seemed so far off if not impossible for so long. The truth is I still see myself as having infertility, only blessed with the exception. Infertility and endometriosis are still important parts of who I am and always will be, they have shape me, my husband, and our relationship in ways we could have never foreseen. I like to hope that it has also changed the lives of others if only that they are more aware, understanding, and compassionate towards those suffering from reproductive disorders and infertility. I am not shy about the fact that it cost us a lot to get our miracle baby and that there are a lot of factors that often are left unseen during infertility treatment. Pregnancy is not a complete cure for infertility; I have been changed by this disease in many ways both good and not so good. I will remain an advocate for infertility education and care no matter how many pregnancies and babies we are blessed with.

As for an update on this pregnancy, it has been a wild ride thus far for sure with no signs of slowing down. I wish I could say pregnancy is the best experience of my life, but at this point that would be a lie. I always said I would not complain about pregnancy symptoms because some of them are very similar to those experienced with infertility treatment only with pregnancy it is because hormones are being produced to sustain a new life as oppose to injected hormones with the hope of follicle growth and ultimately pregnancy. But pregnancy brings about its own new challenges emotionally and physically. Honestly for the first trimester I did not allow myself to fully appreciate and take joy in fact that a life was growing inside of me. That sounds a little harsh I am sure but my history of infertility coupled with endometriosis increases the odds of miscarriage greatly. I just could not allow for myself to get my hopes up especially when I experienced bright red spotting between the 7^th and 11^th weeks. I had to continue use of progesterone supplements, yet another reminder that “normal” and pregnancy are not in the cards for me.

            When you are pregnant every woman that has ever had a child seems to tell you their pregnancy and birth stories. Sometimes I feel bad when someone asks how I’m feeling and my reply is, “Not so great.” Morning sickness is normal and for me it has been an adventure, I have to say that I am very thankful for the drug Zofran. Many people have told me I should feel better this trimester, I am still waiting on that. But if this is what it takes to have a child I can endure, vomiting is a heck of lot cheaper than hCG shots. The baby has been doing well and I not only got to hear the heartbeat but hear the baby move. The only concern right now is my blood pressure, it is a little high. I might have to go on medication for that in the future but I’m thankful that we were vigilant and caught it now, so we can better prevent complications such as preeclampsia. As long as the baby is healthy, I am happy.           

This Christmas is going to be great even if finances are a little tight as we catch up from all the medical costs it took us to get this far and to maintain this pregnancy. We got the best gift we could have hoped for, and truly I cannot ask for more. As I reflect on last year at this time, it really is amazing the difference a year makes. Treatments were not going well at this time last year, school had become overwhelming, and I was depressed. Who would have thought all of that would be completely different this year. We are going to have a baby in less than six months, school went better than expected (and I finished finals on time), and I am pretty happy.  My baby bump seems to get bigger by the day and I’ll admit I enjoy showing it off. At the end of next week we will find out the gender, Jeremy is betting on a girl. We’ll see. 

What We Are Expecting...

Last post I mention that our plan to do an IUI in September did not happen. Well, we now know what is to coming next on this journey. My husband, Jeremy made this short video that chronicles our path thus far and what is ahead.
 





I have to thank our long time chiropractor as he is the one that found a combination of supplements I am currently taking. Without him we would not be at this point, and as always though we have planned our course God has directed our path.

Giving Infertility a Voice

Yet again it has been a while since I have updated. Mostly because things have not gone as we had planned the last couple months and also because school is a big priority right now. I am sorry that it has taken so long for an update and that this will not be much of one. I wanted to share a part of Redbook magazine’s No Shame Campaign, call The Truth About Trying: Infertility Stories from Celebrities and Women Like You. It provides a place for women and men to openly talk about infertility and the way it affects their lives. If you have followed my story you know some of the ways this happens, but we are some of the “lucky ones”. We found out early, we have great insurance that covers some procedures, and family and friends that have supported us through this journey. Please take a few minutes to listen to a couple of stories from these women that have struggled with infertility.

            Our story is not yet over and I should have an update in a couple weeks to let you all know what we should be expecting in the future. And remember that one in eight couples struggle with infertility so someone you know is most likely suffering from this disease. Please do your part by listening to the voice infertility is still trying to find.               

Stepping up the Game

     I know it has been awhile since I updated and that is mostly because we took last cycle off of treatments and I decided to give myself a mental vacation from the infertility world. Well, as much as I could. Since, the last go around was unsuccessful we met with a new doctor. We are super excited about this change as we feel this clinic actually sees us as people and most importantly listens to us. It helps that insurance covers some of the procedures there too. After looking at all of our records, the doctor could tell we had been doing all that we could but he was not really sure that the pervious clinic was holding up their end of the deal. I completely agreed. He was very direct and to the point and because all previous attempts were unsuccessful we all agreed it was time to step up the game. In infertility treatment that means IUI, intrauterine insemination.

    IUI is exactly what it sounds like, artificial insemination that takes place inside of the uterus. Good thing is it does not mean a lot of changes from previous treatment. I’ll still do all the ultrasounds, blood draws, and shots but at the end we will go to the clinic for insemination instead of doing things the “natural way.” This is what we assumed would be the next step so we were not surprise, but it is a little disappointing that it has come to this. It is kind of like the finally straw that says, this really is not going to happen naturally for us at all. Insemination makes it sound like a sure thing, which is far from true. Given my situation and current treatment I have around a 20% chance of becoming pregnant during a cycle, IUI will increase our odds to about 25%. I know it does not seem like much but at this point even a half a percent is a big deal. We are hopeful that the next few months will be our time because the step after IUI is a large one. IVF (in vitro fertilization) would hold much higher success rates for a couple our age, but is a lot more demanding in all aspects. It is a multi month journey, with the usual procedures plus egg retrievals and fertilizations. It also comes with a very large price tag and ethical concerns. IVF is still a forbidden land for some, especially specific Christian communities. To be honest it was one of those arguable topics that I did not take a real stand on until it became personal. When I realized that it is a possibility that IVF could be the only way I could carry my own biological child, it did not seem like such a bad thing. We do that often; don’t care until it directly affects us. I can clearly see both the arguments for and against IVF, and know that if our time requires IVF it will present new challenges.  I really hope that is not where we are headed but I cannot ignore that is likely. In the next couple weeks I am going to use this space to look at the ethical, emotional, and mental concerns of both IUI and IVF. 

Can I get a frequent patient card?

         Wow. That describes the past week pretty well, not at all where I expect things to be going. The second week of the cycle is the most drug, ultrasound, and lab intensive. Overall I ended up with 17 ampules of hMG, 4 ultrasounds (3 within 5 days), two blood draws, and one trigger shot. The ultrasounds and blood draws are so frequent now that the obgyn’s office knows me by name and the pathology lab knows exactly where my order is coming from by just looking at me. Things that use to make my blood pressure and anxiety rise are now just another part of my day. That is a place I never thought I would be, where labs and scans filling the calendar is the norm.  

         That was not however the most stressful part of the treatment, that would be working with the doctor’s office. To preserve the integrity of the staff and myself I will not divulge details, but I will say communication is important in any relationship. The result of miscommunication among other actions has resulted and everyone being disgruntle, and ultimately our departure from our currently clinic. It had been an idea we had been discussing for a while and after this week we knew it was necessary. Our insurance covers much more at the other clinic, which will hopefully prevent some of problems we experience with misunderstanding in the past. I think fertility clinic staff would be much more understanding and considerate if they were aware of how much their patients are actually paying for services. And I must say after that was explained to the current clinic they were much more willing to accommodate us and we are very grateful.

       The results of treatment are hard to know because I was unable to have my usual ultrasound tech this go around and the pervious mentioned miscommunication. What I do know is that we had a few good follicles on the left and lots of small ones on the right, however the estradiol were not as high as we would like. Saturday after all the issues came to a climax and an ultrasound was performed by a doctor we were given the okay to go ahead with a trigger shot. We were also given the disclaimer that there is an “increased risk” of multiples. I laughed a little because who am I to be picky at this point? Do I desire high number multiples? No, but I think I would learn to make do.   

Back at the Starting Line

So here we are again, at the start of another round. Last time I updated we were in the middle of a cycle and had just finished the second ultrasound. After a third ultrasound and more blood work, things still were not progressing as desired. Instead of giving up completely the hMG dosage was increased to two injections a day, but it might not have been enough, bringing us back to the starting line once again.
            I know I have complained about endometriosis a lot but part of the reason I do is that I want you to understand that it is a very real disease. I kept silent for years because I believed the lies that I was just weak and everyone had “bad periods”. Not true. When a woman has endometriosis it can take over her life, she’ll miss school/work, avoid social situations, and suffer physical and emotional pain. For a few months after my surgery I got to experience what I would call an endometriosis free life, it was refreshing and exciting but short lived. Now about a year and half later I am almost back to my pre-surgery state. It is a little hard to take especially when it starts affecting others. My husband and I spent the weekend at the lake and I was not a lot of fun because I did not feel well but I sucked it up and put on a good show, I learned to master that a long time ago. The façade could only last so long as my body got the best of me. After multiple trips to the bathroom, which I use to think was caused by IBS – but is more than likely endometrial lesions on my intestines, I lied in bed crying from the pain. When I could not take it anymore I woke up my friend at four in the morning in hope that some fresh air would help. I felt so bad for waking her up and even though I know I would try to do the same for her, I cannot repay her for all she has done along this journey for me. My husband I ended up sleeping curled up in the back of our SUV because I felt better outside. And I am saddened by the fact that things should not be this way, endo is not something we talk about because we are afraid to offend someone by talking about “woman problems”. For that reason research and treatment is underfunded and slow, we have no problem talking about breast but talk about menstrual cycles and people do not want to hear it.  I have had people tell me that my blog is TMI (too much information) but that is part of my point. I did not choose to have endometriosis and I should not suffer because the problems it causes make others uncomfortable, it makes me uncomfortable too. This puts it in perspective, “‎If 7 million men suffered unbearable pain with sex and exercise and were offered pregnancy, castration or hormones as treatment, Endo would be a national emergency to which we would transfer the defense budget to find a cure.”-Nancy Petersen, RN, ERC Advisor, Internationally recognized advocate.
         Now that I am sure you have had enough of my ranting, a little on our current state. I had an ultrasound today which a required a lot of phone calls and waiting, but it got done. I’ll start the injections tomorrow at 1.5 ampules and then get another ultrasound in a week. Praying that this is our time.    

More meds

       Very short update on what is going on. Monday was ultrasound number two for this cycle and it show a little bit of growth on the right side follicles. Since the ultrasound did not show the preferred development we increased my hMG dosage to one and half. Then, Tuesday was a blood draw to check my estradiol levels. It looks like things still aren’t exactly where we would like them to be so that means more shots. We are going to keep up with the larger dose until Friday and check again with an ultrasound and blood draw.

       I have really felt like my life revolves around infertility this week. Waiting day to day for results is nerve racking, I feel like I have to be connected to my phone all day for a three minute call that dictates my treatment. The actual shots don’t bother me much anymore, although I am not sure I will ever get use to the burning sensation of the meds. My thighs do have large matching bruises, a small price to pay if this actually works. 

Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop

     Well, the past few days have been stressful. At times I feel like it has been weeks rather than days. Last cycle was unsuccessful so we started our eight round of treatment, and we started right away. After much miscommunication with the RE’s office and the amazing compassion of the ob/gyn’s office we got things squared away (between Monday and Tuesday I spent about 2 hours on the phone). This time we are taking a “more aggressive” approach. The ultrasounds started at the beginning of the cycle, with one on Tuesday and another one this Monday. The idea is with multiple ultrasounds throughout the cycle we can watch how my body is reacting to the medication. We start with the injections immediately and I’ll also be getting an estradiol test with the next ultrasound. Estradiol is a hormone that aids in follicle growth among other things. The results from Monday will indicate what the next step in treatment will be, it is rather nerve racking when we don’t know what is coming next.

    I also so herbalist again and it is amazing how she can understand my body. Hopeful the combination of supplements and medications will be the answer. I have not been coping well with the physical effects of this journey. As I have stated in the past my endometriosis is only getting worst and I’ve barely been able to operate this time around. I just keep hoping it is worth it. I hate that all the different mixes of hormones has made me look like a teenager with uncontrollable acne. I know it isn’t my fault and there is not much I can do about it since most acne treatments are not advised for those pregnant or may become pregnant. But as I told Jeremy, I cannot wear a sign that say “I have acne because I am infertile.” Then my weight fluctuates depending on where I am in the cycle. It is only a few pounds but with my small frame I am able to notice even if others don’t. Again, a small price to pay for fulfillment of a dream and some of the less talked about effects of infertility. It is probably obvious that I am not in the most positive of mood at the moment. I keep praying that we are doing the right thing and everything will have a purpose in the end. I’ll be sure to post a small update early next week with what the plan is from here.  

Some Old, Some New

      Yet again it has been awhile since my last update. I had finals to finish up for school and little energy left to do much else. This go around I did a double dose of Femara which I was smart enough to take at night so I didn’t pass out for hours during the middle of the day. That was the old part – taking some pills for 5 days. The new part – injections. I was rather anxious about this part. Even though my husband is a paramedic the office insisted I come in to learn how to give them to myself. It wasn’t anything that Jeremy had not already told me or I had not read and it was a ridiculous waste of money. Nothing I can do about that now. When it came time for the first shot Jeremy was not home and I was working on a paper due later that day which made me even more nervous. Jeremy walked me thorough it on the phone and I was so shaken up that I spilled the dissolvent, it felt like it took me forever to get the medication mixed. When it came time to actually inject, I hung up the phone and said a quick prayer. I worked myself up so much that when it was actually over I thought “That’s it?” Thankfully Jeremy was able to do the next couple so I was more comfortable with them by the time I had to fly solo. We had our normal ultrasound on Friday. I have to thank my doctor’s office again because they squeezed me in between patients because they know how important it is that it is done on specific days and early so the results can be faxed to my RE. I tried not to get myself too excited and at first I really thought it was not going to end well. There were less follicles than previously but there were larger so that was good, but the ones on the right ovary were not quite “ripe.” However, on the left we had one that was just the size we like to see 20 mm. That meant one more shot, the trigger shot. Now we wait yet again.

      On a related note I would like to draw attention to Family Act of 2011, a Senate bill create to aid families with infertility cost, specifically IVF. You can find more information here. I encourage you to contact you Senators and ask for their support of this bill, because 1 and 8 couples suffer from infertility and that means someone you know is living with this daily.

      Also a well know infertility advocate was feature on the Boston news, discussing the fact that infertility does not only affect older women. You can find the video here. I like to point out her correction; she still needs to save $18,000 for her IVF cycle with an egg donor not $1,800 as the segment says.       

Medic! Guest Post from My Husband

How many times have you heard that phrase? It’s in practically every military movie. Medics are called when people are injured, sick, and/or at the end of their rope. We are fixers, there aren’t many things we aren’t trained to handle. When Jenni and I discovered having baby wasn’t going to just happen the easy way, I wanted to cry MEDIC! There really isn’t anything to make the news come easy.
    It
Makes
You
Question

EVERYTHING.

Your mind becomes flooded with questions:
“How can this happen to us? What did we do to deserve this? How much is this going to cost? What are our options? How will this affect our relationship? Where is God in this? Does this mean never or will it get better? Where is the justice?”

I can’t even begin to comprehend what Jenni’s going through……

SO…

We began our journey in infertility. At first it didn’t seem real, almost like we were in a fog. Then the tests came and the fog lifted quickly.  Jenni became a pin cushion and blood was drawn, medications were injected, and she became an excel champion tracking all sorts of things.  I felt helpless, trying to offer moral support and empathy. I wanted to take her place seeing her heartbreak daily because of the unknown. I’ve learned listening isn’t enough, communication is the real cure. At first my words escaped me, Jenni wondered if I cared…which I did, but sometimes my off colored humor didn’t help. I still managed to get her to smile, that beautiful smile I fell in Love with. There are times though when all the pieces fall apart. I’ve learned that sometimes you have to let the pieces fall because there is nothing you can do to stop them from falling, but the greatest thing to do is to be there to help put the pieces back one piece at a time. One day we will be stronger because of this……
“God, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially armed you to go through it, not without pain but without stain” C.S. Lewis
“Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.” C.S. Lewis

Hate

Last week my husband picked up a package at the post office, it wasn't very big but it held a lot of hope and cost us almost all our savings. It contained injectables for this next cycle. A little scary. You may remember last cycle did not go well and the nurse told me we might be going straight to the injectables because it is uncommon to not to respond to Femara. Well, it ended up being a combination of the two. I’ll be taking the double dose of Femara and hMG injections, I’m not sure how I feel about that. I am grateful they have decided to take an aggressive approach, but it makes infertility a bit more real. This is not going to be fixed with a pill and one shot.  At minimum it is going to require several shots and pills, shots that I am at some point going to have to administrate myself. I very thankful to have a paramedic for a husband, he could do this with his eyes close (although I won’t let him). But because he is a paramedic at some point he will not be home when I need a shot. So, later this week I’ll make a trip up to the RE’s office to learn how to inject myself, crazy. I realize that there are people that inject themselves everyday with lifesaving medications, this is different. There is no guarantee, no certainty, this is not going to directly benefit my health. Again, I come back to the question, “Is it worth it?” And again, for now it is. For now I’m prepared to do this, I want to do this.

As we keep running this race, I try not to look behind me and see if endometriosis is catching up. After this week I don’t have to guess. It is gaining ground and pulling out all the stops. I have miss school, I have lied in bed curled up in ball, spent more time in the bathroom than out of it, built up a tolerance to my pain medication, and have kept a small hold on my sanity. To add to the stress it’s finals week.  I really dislike infertility. I hate endometriosis.   

Myth: Infertility is God Telling You Not to Have Children

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week and as a way to increase awareness Resolve has started the “Bust an Infertility Myth Blog Challenge.” I have chosen to bust the myth that infertility is God’s way of telling someone not to have children. I picked this topic to address because faith is a large part of my infertility journey and theological issues are kind of my full-time job as a seminary student. I will be speaking from a post-modern Christian perspective, but that does not mean that those of other faiths cannot find helpful information. I could probably write a book on this myth alone, but I’ll try to keep this short and to the point.
            My first response to this statement is, “How you do know what God is telling me?” I,m sure there are a few people out there that can honestly see infertility as God guiding them in a different direction in life, and I do not doubt or discredit those individuals/couples. However, for most of us on this journey it is rather a question of “why me?” and “how do we fix this?” If a person has cancer do you tell her that God is telling her that she is going to die? If someone is in a tragic accident do you tell him that God wanted you to be disabled?  Then why tell an infertile person/couple that God does not want to bless them with children? I believe that God instills desires in our hearts for a reason and for those struggling with infertility one desire is parenthood. Infertility has done a lot of things to my life but one thing it has not done is diminished my desire to be a mom, if anything it has increased it.
            Second, I feel this statement is a direct attack on an individual's or couple's ability to parent. This may be a personal statement more than a theological one but I do not think that makes it any less valid.  When someone hits me with this myth I get a little defensive. With all the cases of child abuse/neglect and shows like 16 and pregnant, I feel like I am being told that these people will make better parents than I would. I realize that this is not the intention of the statement (at least I truly hope not) but you have to understand that a woman undergoing infertility treatment does not always think clearly.
           Lastly, “barren women” have some great company. Imagine if Sarah and Abraham had believe that God would not bless them with a child even though they were told otherwise, and at their age I think they had a right to think that. In fact Sarah’s first response to the promise was laughter, the same response she had when Isaac was born.  Hannah is a woman whose weeping prayers for a child were answered with the birth of Samuel.  Then there is Rachel, her son Joseph was the answer to her pleas. And we cannot forget Elizabeth, the barren woman that was blessed with John (the Baptist). I would say that is some pretty good company. These women did not always believe that they would conceive, but with faith they gave birth to some of the greatest men of the Bible.
         Like I said before I could write a considerable amount on this topic, but I think this will suffice to bust the myth. I truly believe that God will bless us with a child whether that is with the help of fertility medications, IVF, surrogacy, or adoption. I do NOT believe God is telling me not to have children.  

Basic understanding of infertility
Background information on National Infertility Awareness Week

One of Those Days...Okay Weeks

Yesterday was the day we found if the Femara help my follicles reach their full potential on a good timeline. That means another ultrasound, I am getting so sick of doing them but it is necessary. The Femara doesn’t have as many side effects as Clomid but it does have a warning not to drive or operate machinery until you know how it affect you. I was not to concern about this since I only have a 2.5 mg dosage, but come to find out it puts me to sleep like no other. I took a lot of three hour naps last weeks. From the start of our visit today I wasn’t doing well, there was a younger couple in the waiting room that just had a 4D ultrasound done and were gushing over the printouts. I don’t hate pregnant people, but it is defiantly hard to deal with some things like this. I am not usually in the best state of mind before my ultrasounds anyway, and this was sending me over the edge. I even said to Jeremy, “I wish they could do that somewhere else.” It is hard to explain to others that have/are not experienced/ing infertility, and I know it is irrational and selfish but it happens. Thankfully we got call back before I could break down. We are at the point now that they don’t even give me instructions to prep for the ultrasound, we just go straight in there and I do my thing. (I get my ultrasounds done at my ob/gyn’s office instead of my RE’s office because of insurance coverage.) There were lots of follicles which is good, but no dominant follicles which is not good.  I had not given to much hope to the follicles being good this early in my cycle but it was still disappointing. I had told Jeremy I just had a feeling this drug wasn’t going to work.

The call from the RE’s office a few hours later confirmed my suspicions. First of all I was asleep when they called and when Jeremy woke me up I freaked out because I thought I had missed my ultrasound altogether. It was funny after the fact. Anyway, the conversation with the RE office is one I would have rather not had. They were not happy with the ultrasound results, and gave me a couple of options. I could go up there and get a blood test done to confirm the ultrasound – which is pretty much useless. Or we just “cancel the cycle” now, in other words there isn’t anything else we can do this month. As if my hope was not already shatter, she also told me that it is highly unusual for women not to respond well on their first round of Femara. I wanted to tell her that I was the definition of highly unusual. It is possible that we will not even try a second round of Femara and go straight to injectables. That is a big step for multiple reasons. The obvious is that no one wants to have to inject themselves with something and the second is cost. Shots are exponentially more than pills, and then there are higher risks as well. Our RE called it the “triplet medicine,” my friend and I have joked about triplets in the past but with the possibility looming in the future it isn’t as funny. That is a bridge will cross if we come to it, I’ll be happy with however many babies God blesses us with at once. Needless to say, I’m not in the best place mentally right now. It is difficult to get all the good news we did last month and not be disappointed when it doesn’t happen the way we want right away. As much as I know it is not my fault, this is the first time I thought maybe there was something I could have done differently. And I know that is probably not true and I need to be patient, we’ll hopefully find something that works. It gets really hard at times though, and that is part of the reason that many people struggling with infertility chose to remind silent. This seemingly little thing touches every part of our lives. I just have to continue to rely on God to see us through this storm.