Resolve to know more...

A previous blog entry of mine was a good fit for this year's National Infertility Awareness Week blog challenge.  Therefore,  I'm reposting with a couple additions to reflect our life changes since the last post.

As women we are physically designed to give birth. However, for some women that desperately desire children the ability does not come so “naturally”. Infertility is defined as the inability to become or stay pregnant after a year of trying to conceived for those under 35 and six months for those 35 or older. Approximately 1 out of 8 women suffer from infertility. I am one of those women. Infertility is a physical disease but has very real mental, emotional, and spiritual components. I recently ask some friends what they would want to know if they could ask a woman with infertility anything. The following is my attempt to answer those questions with what I want you to know.
I want you to know that infertility has turned my world upside down. It threatens the future story of my family. It affects every single piece of my life. I may appear fine on the surface but underneath I am struggling with deep hurt. I am angry with God, I feel like a broken woman, I am depressed and anxious, I am a pin cushion, my relationships are struggling, and we are broke. But I get dressed and put on a show to get through the day because infertility is so misunderstood and today I do not feel like explaining. I don’t want you to judge me when I say that my husband and I decided to use medical treatments and supplements. I certain don’t want you to tell me to adopt. Trust me I have considered every possible path on the infertility road. I do not want you to pity me. Tomorrow I will spend the day crying and angry but then I will feel the need to share my own story for the healing of myself and others. So I start a blog and hold on to the little hope I have left believing I can make a difference even in my pain.
I want you to know that I am still not pregnant and we are starting a new cycle of treatment. In the next two weeks I will have three or more ultrasounds, just as many blood draws,  I will give myself at least a dozen injections, take several supplements, and hope it all works this time. I will spend a couple hours on the phone with my reproductive endocrinologist’s office. I will sit in the OBGYN’s office with pregnant and menopausal women. We all are dealing with hormones; at least we have that in common. I will drive hundreds of miles to see a naturalist and a chiropractor. I think about seeing an acupuncturist but there is no way to afford that with the thousands of dollars we already spent on treatment this month. I will contact a different reproductive endocrinologist that is an additional forty miles away in hopes that he will treat me like a person and not a uterus. This month I will see half a dozen or more healthcare professionals, each providing more questions than answers.
I want you to know that my husband is my biggest supporter and all of this is affecting him as well. I wonder who he has that could possibly understand. I want you to know that I searched for emotional support very early on but there are no support groups close and I cannot afford a therapist if I want to continue physical treatment. So, I settle for internet support forums and blog writing. If anything getting my story out helps me process what is happening. I know I should lean on God, some days I pray constantly but others I am angry at God and remain silent. The mental aspect of this disease is the hardest. There are hopes followed by disappointments, there are too many unknowns. I cannot explain how I feel most days and it leads to depression and anxiety. I wonder if I will ever recover from this.
I want you to know that I am not mad at you if you became pregnant. I am angry at my situation and if it came easy or naturally for you I am jealous. If we are close I really need to hear your news from you personally. Please do not hide it from me, it will only hurt more. Try to be understanding when I do not have much to say and if I become distant. I am trying to deal with my own issues without hurting you too but it is really difficult. I want you to know that I am happy for you. If you were able to conceive on your own I am also glad that you do not have to suffer in this barren land. If you too have been struggling with infertility, your story gives me hope. Do not complain about pregnancy. I am aware that it is very difficult for many but I would be on bed rest for the whole 40 weeks if it meant I could have my own child. And some of those symptoms I know too well as I pump myself with artificial hormones each month.  If you have a baby shower it is okay to invite me but please understand if I do not attend. I will be sure to send a gift.  When your little one arrives, I may come to introduce myself to him/her/them but do not take it personally when I am quiet and reserve. I am struggling with many mixed emotions and whether this will ever be possible for me. We are both going to have to discover what your new status as mom means for our relationship. If this is not your first child it may be harder for me to be around the baby than your other child(ren), please be patient with me.
I want you to know that we had success! We are pregnant with our miracle, but I am nervous, worried, and scared. I am still taking hormones to help the pregnancy and I am considered high risk. I will try so hard not to complain about anything however, I have wanted this too much. I will not even let myself enjoy this pregnancy at all until after that first trimester. I do not know how I would deal with a miscarriage; there are so many more what ifs after infertility.  The pregnancy is rough but I have excellent care and it seems we are going to have a healthy baby. Infertility still plagues my mind and I feel the distance grow from my other friends with infertility. I want you to know that I cherish this pregnancy with everything I have, but there is still little support for those pregnant after infertility.  
I want you to know that it was a difficult road but I am a mom. My son is one of the greatest blessings of my life. I am beyond thankful to experience pregnancy, birth, and parenthood. I reached my goal but I am not cured. As I put my baby to bed tonight I will wonder if he will be my only baby. I worry about how difficult it maybe to give him siblings. How long will it take? What will it take? Can I do it all again? Can we do it all again? Is it fair to my husband, my son, and my friends?
I want you to know we were beyond blessed to become pregnant again. We suffered from many of the high risk pregnancy issues we did before. I thought it would be easier this time, but it is not. I still struggle with pregnancy announcements and births, including how to deal with my own.
I want you to know that we have a second son, but life has handed us a new journey.  One of raising a child with cystic fibrosis. As unfair as it seems, infertility has help prepare us for this. Infertility has taught us more than we could ever share.
I want you to know that infertility still has a strong hold on me and haunts me daily. Infertility is debilitating and lifelong. The wounds it created may heal but there will always be scars. What I need from you is patience and a listening ear. Most of all I need you to know that I am not alone. There are 7.3 million other women in the US alone fighting this disease. Each of us has a different story and many suffer in silence. I want you to know that the disease is not respected by some. I want you to know insurances companies rarely offer coverage and treatments are expensive (as is adoption).  I want you to know that legislative issues often threaten treatment options. I want you to know that there are not enough counselors, pastors, families, or friends that know about infertility. I want you to know that infertility hurts, destroys, and does not discriminate. I want you to know this because 1 in 8 is someone you know.

• http://www.resolve.org/infertility101  (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)
• http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html (About NIAW)

I Want You to Know

I'm really hoping to find the will to begin writing again, both publicly and privately. This is a start, although this post is from my previous work. I initially wrote this piece for a fellow student's publication focused of giving women voice and a place to share our stories. However I do believe it gives a good summary of my infertility journey. Thanks for reading.
As women we are physically designed to give birth. However, for some women that desperately desire children the ability does not come so “naturally”. Infertility is defined as the inability to become or stay pregnant after a year of trying to conceived for those under 35 and six months for those 35 or older. Approximately 1 out of 8 women suffer from infertility. I am one of those women. Infertility is a physical disease but has very real mental, emotional, and spiritual components. I recently ask some friends what they would want to know if they could ask a woman with infertility anything. The following is my attempt to answer those questions with what I want you to know.
I want you to know that infertility has turned my world upside down. It threatens the future story of my family. It affects every single piece of my life. I may appear fine on the surface but underneath I am struggling with deep hurt. I am angry with God, I feel like a broken woman, I am depressed and anxious, I am a pin cushion, my relationships are struggling, and we are broke. But I get dressed and put on a show to get through the day because infertility is so misunderstood and today I do not feel like explaining. I don’t want you to judge me when I say that my husband and I decided to use medical treatments and supplements. I certain don’t want you to tell me to adopt. Trust me I have considered every possible path on the infertility road. I do not want you to pity me. Tomorrow I will spend the day crying and angry but then I will feel the need to share my own story for the healing of myself and others. So I start a blog and hold on to the little hope I have left believing I can make a difference even in my pain.
I want you to know that I am still not pregnant and we are starting a new cycle of treatment. In the next two weeks I will have three or more ultrasounds, just as many blood draws,  I will give myself at least a dozen injections, take several supplements, and hope it all works this time. I will spend a couple hours on the phone with my reproductive endocrinologist’s office. I will sit in the OBGYN’s office with pregnant and menopausal women. We all are dealing with hormones; at least we have that in common. I will drive hundreds of miles to see a naturalist and a chiropractor. I think about seeing an acupuncturist but there is no way to afford that with the thousands of dollars we already spent on treatment this month. I will contact a different reproductive endocrinologist that is an additional forty miles away in hopes that he will treat me like a person and not a uterus. This month I will see half a dozen or more healthcare professionals, each providing more questions than answers.
I want you to know that my husband is my biggest supporter and all of this is affecting him as well. I wonder who he has that could possibly understand. I want you to know that I searched for emotional support very early on but there are no support groups close and I cannot afford a therapist if I want to continue physical treatment. So, I settle for internet support forums and blog writing. If anything getting my story out helps me process what is happening. I know I should lean on God, some days I pray constantly but others I am angry at God and remain silent. The mental aspect of this disease is the hardest. There are hopes followed by disappointments, there are too many unknowns. I cannot explain how I feel most days and it leads to depression and anxiety. I wonder if I will ever recover from this.
I want you to know that I am not mad at you if you became pregnant. I am angry at my situation and if it came easy or naturally for you I am jealous. If we are close I really need to hear your news from you personally. Please do not hide it from me, it will only hurt more. Try to be understanding when I do not have much to say and if I become distant. I am trying to deal with my own issues without hurting you too but it is really difficult. I want you to know that I am happy for you. If you were able to conceive on your own I am also glad that you do not have to suffer in this barren land. If you too have been struggling with infertility, your story gives me hope. Do not complain about pregnancy. I am aware that it is very difficult for many but I would be on bed rest for the whole 40 weeks if it meant I could have my own child. And some of those symptoms I know too well as I pump myself with artificial hormones each month.  If you have a baby shower it is okay to invite me but please understand if I do not attend. I will be sure to send a gift.  When your little one arrives, I may come to introduce myself to him/her/them but do not take it personally when I am quiet and reserve. I am struggling with many mixed emotions and whether this will ever be possible for me. We are both going to have to discover what your new status as mom means for our relationship. If this is not your first child it may be harder for me to be around the baby than your other child(ren), please be patient with me.
I want you to know that we had success! We are pregnant with our miracle, but I am nervous, worried, and scared. I am still taking hormones to help the pregnancy and I am considered high risk. I will try so hard not to complain about anything however, I have wanted this too much. I will not even let myself enjoy this pregnancy at all until after that first trimester. I do not know how I would deal with a miscarriage; there are so many more what ifs after infertility.  The pregnancy is rough but I have excellent care and it seems we are going to have a healthy baby. Infertility still plagues my mind and I feel the distance grow from my other friends with infertility. I want you to know that I cherish this pregnancy with everything I have, but there is still little support for those pregnant after infertility.  
I want you to know that it was a difficult road but I am a mom. My son is one of the greatest blessings of my life. I am beyond thankful to experience pregnancy, birth, and parenthood. I reached my goal but I am not cured. As I put my baby to bed tonight I will wonder if he will be my only baby. I worry about how difficult it maybe to give him siblings. How long will it take? What will it take? Can I do it all again? Can we do it all again? Is it fair to my husband, my son, and my friends?
I want you to know that infertility still has a strong hold on me and haunts me daily. Infertility is debilitating and lifelong. The wounds it created may heal but there will always be scars. What I need from you is patience and a listening ear. Most of all I need you to know that I am not alone. There are 7.3 million other women in the US alone fighting this disease. Each of us has a different story and many suffer in silence. I want you to know that the disease is not respected by some. I want you to know insurances companies rarely offer coverage and treatments are expensive (as is adoption).  I want you to know that legislative issues often threaten treatment options. I want you to know that there are not enough counselors, pastors, families, or friends that know about infertility. I want you to know that infertility hurts, destroys, and does not discriminate. I want you to know this because 1 in 8 is someone you know.
For more information about infertility visit resolve.org.

My Time is Here

It has been way to long since I updated so I had to go back and look at the last couple entries. The last time I wrote Noah was breeched and I was dealing with my blood pressure. As we approached the end of week 36 both of these were still issues for us. My blood pressure medication was doubled and that made being 9 months pregnant even more uncomfortable because I felt like it was the first trimester all over again. We made it through though and I remained pregnant for what felt like forever. Thanks to my amazing chiropractor we were able to get Noah turned from the breeched position to head down at 37 weeks. It was so crazy.  I had been going for regular adjustments since before my pregnancy and then went weekly after we learned that he was breeched. On the way back from my second weekly appointment I was able to feel him turn. It was such an odd and amazing feeling. I had an ultrasound later that day and it confirmed that Noah was in the “go” position. I was still pregnant a few weeks later at my 39 week check-up, which was longer than any of us thought we would make it. That was when the decision was made to start induction on my due date if I did not start labor on my own.

The weekend came and went and no baby so at 40 weeks we started induction. Jeremy and I made sure to enjoy a nice dinner just the two of us before the craziness began. We arrived at the hospital just before seven pm and shortly after my friend Jenny arrived. Not long after they inserted the cervidel to soften my cervix. We spent the rest of the evening talking and breaking the television. Yeah, we somehow managed to screw up the volume on the tv and they had to replace it at 10 o’clock. We didn’t even end up using it then, but watching them try to repair it was pretty entertaining. We all tried to get some sleep but I think I was the one that got the most. Jeremy did not sleep well the night before so he was exhausted by Wednesday. In the morning, I was 3 cm dilated so things were going fairly well. After I ate breakfast, they started the Pitocin. Around 10:30 Jenny and I took a walk around the maternity floor while Jeremy took a nap. That was pretty much all it took. By the time we came back to the room around 11 I had started active labor. I’ve heard that Pitocin makes your contractions more painful, I wouldn’t know. However, I went from 0-10 superfast. Literally and figuratively. I had a lot of back labor and since I decided to go without the epidural, I am pretty sure the whole floor heard me screaming. I did not get to labor in the tub like I wanted because I needed to be able to walk there myself and that was not happening. By 1:30 it was time to push and everything was a blur. Jeremy got to catch Noah at 1:49 and I was able to have skin to skin right away. The sweetness of the moment was short lived because a few seconds later Noah pooped all over me. We will not forget it, that’s for sure. I was also able to breastfeed right away but I do not remember it much because I was getting stitched up at the same time. Noah came out with is hand up by his face (just like he had been in all the ultrasounds) and tore me up. I also ended up breaking my tailbone, but I would do it all again for my miracle.

I can’t really explain the emotions I felt during labor and delivery. It went by so fast, at least for me. I was in awe of how the human body takes over and manages the pain in its own way. Although, the process was hard on me physically we were blessed with a perfect baby boy. After the struggles we have had in the past few years to get to this point, Jeremy and I both mentally prepared ourselves for something to be wrong. We were blessed beyond our expectations. Noah was 8lb 10 oz and 21.5 inches long. He passed all his screenings and less than a week later he was above his birth weight. He was the best birthday present I have ever received, even if he was a day early. I had all these thoughts about how I it would feel to finally have a baby and really it was nothing like that. I didn’t even cry until we were in the car heading home. It was all surreal, even now two months later it still does not feel real sometimes. We are starting a new chapter in this journey but it is far from over. We face many future decisions about how to deal with both my infertility and endometriosis. I hope to continue blogging about these and other topics in the future.   

Below are a few maternity pictures and our wonderful baby boy.  

 All the above professional pictures were done by Jami Rehm of Rehm Photography, we cannot thank her enough.

 Our not so little guy at 1 month.

Looking for trouble.

All smiles, today at 2 months.

Don't Ignore the Lasting Effects of Infertility

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) and like last year Resolve is promoting a blog challenge. This year’s theme is “Don’t Ignore…” I chose to say, Don’t ignore the lasting effects of infertility. I chose this because as I sit here 37 weeks pregnant infertility still has a hold on me. One would think that when an infertile woman finally gets two pink lines on that little stick she is ecstatic. And maybe some are, but I was not. My first reaction was shock and then fear. Since we got pregnant during an unmonitored cycle I felt like I had no control and did not know how much faith to put in that little stick. We also found out on a holiday weekend so we had to wait three days before we could talk to our health care providers. When we finally did get a blood test confirmation I had already been taking progesterone supplements with the hope that everything would be okay. If you have followed my blog you know I had a few episodes of spotting during the first trimester. I sure any pregnant woman that experiences this goes through a roller coaster of emotions, but for me there was the added what ifs. What if I miscarry and I can’t get pregnant again? How long do we keep trying? I have tried very hard not to take this pregnancy for granted because even now I know this could be the only time I am able to have this experience. I hope it is not but I am going to cherish the fact that I got it and acknowledge that it may or may not happen again. Pregnancy is not a cure for infertility, as I have said over and over again the experience has affected every part of our lives. It has changed the way we view life and help us appreciate what we have. It changed our relationships with family, friends, and God. It drastically changed our plans for the future. And there are still times when I wonder what life would have been like without infertility. I do not think I can ever say that I am thankful for infertility because that would be a lie, but I do know that the struggle has made us stronger. I would not be the person I am today without infertility, which is both a good and bad thing. I can still hold bitterness for not being able to have children the way I wanted or when I wanted. But I also know more about how my body works than I ever thought I would and I have valued my pregnancy more than I would have had this been “easy”.  I hold a special bond with those that are still on the journey to parenthood because although I am about to achieve what we all want, I know the struggle and emotions that can only be felt in that time of hopelessness. I cannot wait to hold our little boy and let him know that I have been fighting for him for a very long time and that he is a wonderful blessing.    

For those that have been following our story, here is a short update. Things have been going fairly well. The blood pressure medication has been doing its job for the most part. The first week of it was pretty tough as it made me really sick, I now understand why so many people stop taking their blood pressure medication. But I stuck it out and I am doing pretty well now, although I have had some spikes in my readings. Noah is growing well; he has measured a little on the big side for a while and apparently has a large head. The only concern now is that he is breeched. We are trying all kinds of natural ways to get him to turn before labor begins but if he does not we still have options. They might be able to turn him from the outside and induce right away or we might just have to have a c-section. A caesarean was not my first option as I was hoping to do this as natural as possible but at this point I know I need to do what is best for the baby and me. And to be honest this baby can come any time now and I’ll be happy.

·         http://www.resolve.org/infertility101  (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)

·         http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html (About NIAW)

Preparing

Since the last time I wrote it feels like time is moving at rapid speed. We had a couple baby showers with family and friends and we started putting the nursery together. It is so surreal to see all this baby stuff in our house for our baby. I went shopping with my mom to pick up the rest of the stuff we “need” and almost cried at the register. Then I realized that the amount I paid for a cart full of baby stuff would not have even covered a month of injections this time last year. It was another one of those little things that makes me appreciate how fortunate we are to be blessed with a child.

We are about half way through our 32^nd week now and have started appointments every week along with a BPP (biophysical profile). The BPP is an ultrasound to make sure that Noah is growing like he should and everything else is doing well. No this is not “normal” but my blood pressure is still a little high so they are taking all the precautionary measures. I am starting meds to help keep the blood pressure down and get to do all kinds of fun tests. Today I get to collect my urine for 24 hours to check to proteins and it has to be kept in the fridge, which I think is kind of funny. Even though my bp is high and I feel like I am swelling up like a balloon, Noah is doing great. He scored an 8/8 this week on the BPP and is a big baby for his age at just over 5 pounds. And as much as the reason for the weekly ultrasounds is not a comforting thing it is nice to get to see our baby’s little face in 4D once a week.

With a little over 7 weeks until our due date, I’ll be happy to get through about 5 and half more. I just need to take care of myself by resting and drinking plenty of water. Thankfully, I have an amazing husband that makes sure I get my feet up and the water down.

Also, I know it is almost the end of the month but I want to point out that it is National Endometriosis Awareness month. If you have kept up with my blog you know how much this disease has affected my family and me. There are an estimated 3-5 million women in the United States living with endo and 30-40% of those women will experience some form of infertility. Please, familiarize yourself with the symptoms of this disease so that you can help identify it in yourself or someone you love. Some facts on endometriosis can be found here.          

Only a few more months

This time last year we were getting prepare to see a reproductive endocrinologist, now we are getting prepare to bring baby Noah into the world. We have less than 100 days until our due date! The second trimester has been much better than the first (although it took a while to get there). I feel like I have been eating nonstop and I am about to buy a cow to save on milk cost. I would not trade this for anything though. I told Jeremy last night that there are times I want it to be May and other times I just want to cherish each and every moment of this time. If this is the only time that I am able to carry our biological child, I do not want to take it for granted. I am also ready to see his little face. As we approach that day we have taken both birthing and breastfeeding class. We realized that we are about as prepare as we can be for what is to come, mostly because I read all the time and Jeremy has delivered a baby already. Even though we are busy getting things situated for our new addition, the world does not stop for us. So, I am back to school for a couple classes, although it is likely that we will be a family of three before they end. I know I am a little crazy but for financial reasons it was the best plan and honestly with this being my 22^nd consecutive year of school I do not know how to function without it.

Amazingly, by the grace of God, I have not really been completely overwhelmed. I have my moments of mini freak outs that are usually about nonsensical things, like having to eat hospital food for a day or two. Silly, I know. I have to thank everyone for the continued encouragement and prayers along this part of our journey, we had the potential for complications early and so far they have been avoided. As with any pregnancy we just hope for a healthy baby and mama, and if everything goes according to our birth plan that is just icing on the cake.  

It's a...

A couple weeks ago we had our 20 week ultrasound to find out the sex of our little one. It’s a boy! Jeremy was wrong, haha, not that I think he minds at all. Everyone asked me what I thought it was but I really did not have any idea. I am just ecstatic that everything looks great so far, seeing the four cambers of his heart working was more precious to me than seeing that “little thing”.  As hard and lasting as the effects of our infertility are and will be, I am grateful for the life inside of me that I might otherwise take for granted. I am not saying that others to do appreciation and value their unborn babies, but that because of infertility I believe I have a different perspective of what is going on inside of me. I am also aware of how my pregnancy can make other infertile friends feel, I understand the jealously and anger they may feel. I have been there. And trust me this is a road that is very difficult to understand from the outside. I know the emotions others have are not directed towards me but just the frustration and questioning that comes from infertility. I do not know why our journey was rather short compared to some; all I know is that we have been blessed beyond our expectations.

It is starting to feel more real now as it is 2012 and our little guy will be here before we know it. We have started a registry and are working on getting the “nursery” set up, he is going to have to share his room with mommy’s study for now. I have been able to feel him move for about six weeks now and he certainly likes to move around. He was also able to give his daddy a Christmas gift of feeling a good “kick”. I know those are things that most expected mothers love but they are extra important to us. I literally broke down when Jeremy was able to feel him because there were many days in the past few years where I thought that would never be possible. It is crazy to think that we will be able to hold him in just a few more months. He is going to be one spoiled baby too; he will be the first grandchild on my side of the family. And his soon to be cousin and he will be vying for that title come spring on daddy’s side. So not only will we be parents but aunt and uncle come May (or sooner). It so crazy how fast life can change, and I cannot wait to experience the ups and downs that parenthood will bring.

Below are a couple “pictures” of our little guy and one of the growing bump.